Sex is Not a Necessity for a Strong and Lasting Relationship

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Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen a lot of articles popping up around the internet about the benefits of sex. These articles mostly have titles along the lines of “Why You Should Have More Sex”, “X Number of Things You Didn’t Know About Why Sex Is Awesome For You”, etc. This is not a new concept. For years, psychologists, therapists, and relationship experts have been saying that sex life is a crucial part of a strong marriage (or any long term romantic relationship). In most cases, where the participants in the relationship are sexual, it’s probably true. But for me, and for other asexuals who are in long term romantic relationships (including marriages), seeing this message constantly drilled into society’s collective mind not only excludes us, but it undermines the validity of our relationships. If society is getting a resounding message that sex is required in order to maintain a strong and lasting relationship, then how can our relationships that may or may not include sex at all fit into that paradigm?

The Asexuals Project by Laia Abril

Image from http://asexualsproject.com/

Recently, I was surfing the internet for asexuality-related things, and I came across something really cool that I want to share with everyone. I’ve always been drawn to people’s stories. Everyone has a story, and it greatly intrigues me that we as humans can be so similar, and yet have such different experiences in life. Hearing people’s stories in their own words, from their own mouths (or hands, in some cases), is one of the most important things I believe we can do to form stronger connections among all of humanity. So when I stumbled upon the Asexuals Project, it immediately piqued my interest. And once I watched it, I knew I needed to share it, because it’s such a personal depiction of what asexuality really is.

Nostalgic Contemplation on Asexuality and Family

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Anyone who’s read any of my previous posts likely knows that I am asexual, and that I desperately want to be a mom. You probably also know that I have been trying to get pregnant via alternative means for a while now. I have experienced a lot of emotional highs and lows during this process, and the past couple of weekends have presented me with the return of one of my most basic emotional struggles in this situation: feeling like everyone else moves forward and I am stagnating. More than that, it’s become a more personal and cross-generational feeling. I know that I am my own person and that I shouldn’t compare myself or my life to others, but it’s very hard for me to avoid doing that, especially within my own family.

Religion, Culture, and Asexuality

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I have never considered myself to be a religious person. I am Jewish, but I identify with it much more as a culture than as a religion.

Growing up, my family was never very involved in Jewish life. I went to Hebrew School starting in second grade and continued only through my Bat Mitzvah. We only went to services on High Holidays, except when further attendance was required for Hebrew School.

In my adult life, I have only gone to services on High Holidays, and all of the holiday celebrations that we observe are generally more cultural than religious. My husband’s family was much more involved in Jewish life, to the point where his mom was actually the president of their synagogue for a time. They attended Shabbat services every Friday night, and also participated in religious aspects of a few other holidays in addition to the High Holidays. So naturally, my husband seeks out involvement in Jewish life now much more than I do.

A Different Look at Mothers Day

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In honor of Mothers Day, I want to take a look back and also a look ahead. Last year, I wrote a blog post in one of my personal blogs (also anonymous because it was meant to be a place for me to explore my journey to self-acceptance regarding my asexuality) about how my experience of Mothers Day had changed since I had recently begun to self-identify as asexual. I thought it would be very relevant to my mission in writing for FRW, so I’ve decided to repost the content here along with some additional comments one year later. Here is what I wrote one year ago:

Always on the Outside: An Asexual Perspective

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Being asexual is hard sometimes. I know that this blog is a place where many young QUILTBAG people look for inspiration, for solidarity, and for hope, and so I want to apologize ahead of time for the more negative nature of this post. But I do feel it’s important for everyone to realize that no matter what your sexual orientation may be, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows (no pun intended!). We all struggle with various aspects of our identities at times, and I hope that by sharing my experience of that, I can at least reach someone out there who’s going through the same thing, and they will know that they are not alone. This is my hope, because I’ve never had anyone to do that for me, and so I often feel very, very alone.

A Different Perspective: An Interview with my Husband

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Whenever I tell someone that I’m asexual, their first question is almost always some variant of, “how does your husband feel about that?” I’ve answered that question many times, to the best of my ability. But I think most people would rather hear it directly from the source. Since I started writing for this blog, I’ve asked the people I’ve shared it with if there are topics they’d be interested in seeing me write about. The most common suggestion I’ve gotten is to somehow share my husband’s perspective on the blog. I didn’t think having him write a guest post would work, since it’s already a collaborative blog, and that might just confuse people. So instead, I’ve decided to interview him and post it here, and hopefully this will answer those burning questions everyone seems to have! For privacy purposes, my husband will be referred to as “H” (for “husband”) during this interview.

I Needed to Share and so... a Memoir

Cover by Barbara Kellam-Scott

Somewhere around a year ago I finally began to come to terms with my own non-sexual nature. Shortly thereafter I saw the movie (A)sexual and learned that not only was I not alone but that there was a name for that part of myself as well as a community made of like minded individuals. Thus began the greatest moment, and the most positive year of my life. Now, I'm an excitable person, I can get all worked up in an instant and because of a deeply ingrained work ethic I seek outlets for that excitement. The warmth of the ace community, the un-abashed sharing, is what struck me last winter. My heart told me to share back, and I did, I joined Apositive and AVEN and began posting about everything ace I could think of. When someone on AVEN posted about Freedom Requires Wings needing writers I went and checked it out. Instantly I recognized a chance to join the larger conversation of sexuality and therefore a way to reach out to other asexuals who may not be aware of the rest of the community. It was a no-brainer and I applied for a chance to join the team. I promised to write something once a week and to do so for "more than a couple months". Unfortunately, after a couple months I did begin to falter in my attempts to uphold my promise. I had an old computer that struggled and then failed and so I began to upload my posts from the local library. That worked ok until my job, which is very physical and demanding of my time, began to wear away my ability to post at all. I was also going through some strife in my personal life. Both of my grandfathers died at the beginning of the year. I was also in desperate need of a new place to live. I had been going through addiction recovery for the last couple years and the shared house I lived in was beginning to hinder that process. My posting on FRW slowed to a halt. But, my desire to share back had not abated.

25 Things I'm Thankful for Regarding my Asexuality

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With Thanksgiving coming up this week, I wanted to do something a little different with this post. There’s a thing people have been doing on Facebook for the month of November called “30 Days of Thanks,” where each day of the month, you post something you’re thankful for. I’ve participated in it for the past two years, and I find that it helps me refocus my mindset and realize all the good things that I have in my life, rather than focusing on the negative too much. Tonight, I want to do sort of a spinoff of that, and post 25 things I’m thankful for specifically relating to my asexuality (25 instead of 30 for length purposes). My hope in doing this is twofold: first, that it will help me to focus on the positives of my asexuality, rather than too much of the negatives, and second, that maybe it will help someone else out there think differently about their own life and realize that they also have many things to be thankful for. So without further ado, here goes!

Misconceptions of Conception - An Asexual Perspective

All I've ever wanted to be is a mom. When I was in preschool, and they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said I wanted to be a doctor and a mommy. When I was 5 years old, my friend and I used to play that we were pregnant, stuffing pillows up our shirts, and even sometimes dolls (and then pulling them out to show that we “had the baby”!). Throughout my childhood, my sister and I would play house, where we were the mommies taking care of our (doll) babies. I’ve had names picked out for my future children since I was in middle school. So when I finally admitted to myself that I was asexual, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to fulfill this lifelong dream of mine. I thought, for sure, if I didn’t have sex, then I couldn’t have my own children. Thankfully, I’m lucky enough to have several knowledgeable people in my life who have presented me with alternatives that just might work for me. So I’m here today to dispel the myth that being asexual means that you can’t have kids. (Note: Just like with sexuals, there are some asexuals who don’t want kids, and that’s perfectly fine too. Having kids is a very personal choice, and I believe that every person should make the choice they feel is right for them. The people I’m talking about in this particular post are those who happen to be asexual AND want to have kids. Just so there’s no confusion!)

Peeking Out of the Asexual Closet

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Today, I want to talk about coming out. Specifically, coming out as asexual. As I’ve mentioned before, I have only come out to a select few people, mostly close friends, and only one person in my family. For a while, it didn’t really matter to me whether or not people knew I was asexual. In general, it doesn’t affect my day-to-day interactions with most people (other than my husband, of course). But as time goes on, I feel more and more strongly the desire to come out to the rest of my friends and family. I’ve always been honest to a fault, and it feels like I am lying to everyone by this glaring omission. The problem is, it’s not something that comes up organically in conversation. In order to come out to most of these people, I will have to actually start a conversation for the sole purpose of telling them that I am asexual. As of yet, I haven’t figured out a way to do this that isn’t completely awkward. I also haven’t really worked up the courage to try.

Labels and Assumptions

Sexuality is a very complex construct. There are a lot of labels floating around out there: homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, gay, lesbian, straight, etc. We cling to these labels as a means of bringing the illusion of order to our often chaotic world. But the truth is, most people don’t fit neatly into one category. Sexuality, like most things, is a spectrum, and the majority of people do not fall all the way on one extreme or the other. Most people are somewhere in the middle. We choose to identify with a certain label in order to more easily explain our general tendencies, leanings, and preferences to others. Unfortunately, identifying ourselves by any of these labels leads others to make assumptions about us based on the label we've chosen. But only we as individuals can truly know what that label means to us. If someone identifies as “gay,” it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never been attracted to someone of the opposite sex, and if someone identifies as “straight,” it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never been attracted to someone of the same sex. Likewise, if someone identifies as “asexual,” it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never experienced sexual attraction at all.

In Praise of Philial and Filial Love

 From the 2011 SF Gay Pride Parade

My sister recently had one of those disturbing situations that pretty much gets to the heart of why ace visibility is important and why aces might feel a teeny bit dismissed and invisible.

She is being treated for a severe illness that she’s had for a very long time. It is a grueling, time consuming treatment and she is also in law school, so she really has very little time for anything else.

The treatment has been working well, but last time she saw her doctor, she called me sounding rather disturbed. Apparently the doctor was worried because even with the return of her health, she has not changed in her orientation. That is to say, she is still asexual.

Why Being an Out Ace is Important

Artwork by C. Kellam Scott

Asexuals have never existed before in human history, at least not out in the open. We didn't even know each other existed, we have wandered alone. Until the sharing of personal experiences that blossomed on the newly born internet that is. Before that I suppose we've had to live out our lives as weird loners that everyone suspects of perversion, or prudishness. When I first found Aven (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) I discovered that the other way of life I had seen laid out for me was one that many asexuals have fantasized about. That of Nuns and Monks, I even had a teenage fascination with the Shakers. They were a 19th century Christian doomsday sect with exquisite taste and beautiful morals. They were also celibate. Amongst the celibate is the easiest place for an asexual to hide. We may even be applauded for our quote un-quote virtue and character, all the while secretly knowing that we've given up no desire whatsoever. But none of that was for me, I would never be a monk, not Christian or Buddhist. I don't do well with authority figures and have never believed in god.

Yet Another Food Metaphor: Why Demis Are Not Just Picky

I’ve had some interesting conversations this week with people who have been reading my stuff. Discussions about grey-a, demis and how this differs from being selective or virtuous.

A friend who is single was saying to me that they were very selective in their choice of partner. Only a very specific type appeals. They went on to describe this type, but they described traits that could be discerned right off the bat. They wondered if demi was the same as that. but I asked if they *wanted* a person like that to appear. They said, "Yes, because I miss having sex."

The World Comes Into Focus

One of the things I do is give talks to HS and college kids about safer sex. Because I am an outside speaker, and a healthcare worker, I can get away with saying shit the teachers can’t. I give teacher deniability.

“Oh, little Johnny heard about condoms, anal sex and HIV testing from Mrs. Rahner? And why certain sexual practices are riskier than others? She also told Janey how to find her own clitoris? And that masturbation is normal? Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. See, she’s a volunteer and I guess she’s just not used to our rules.”

The Feminine World and the Asexual Male

original photo by C. Kellam Scott

Trigger warning: Sexual abuse

I'm not usually much of a movie guy but sometimes I like to settle in for an hour and a half of story, just like anyone. A couple days ago I watched The Cohen brother's True Grit. I enjoy a good western and am a fan of the Cohens. I was very struck by the lead female character, the protagonist. I found her mind and presence inspirational, a good honest person set out to do what she thinks is right. Classic western. It was at the end, spoiler alert, when we see her fully grown into adulthood and she mentions that she never had time to fool around with men, in such a casual way. It was offhand, not aggressive, almost a missive. I felt represented on the screen at that moment.

Aces, Demi-aces and non-aces. Words I use.

I’d like to say a few words about language. My own in particular. Just as a sort of “get to know you” thing. This applies to no one but myself.

I should let you know, I love the English language. Words have been my friends since I could form them. I have a tendency to use some pretty esoteric words at times, because darn it, if one word will do, I’m not going to use a paragraph. Having said that, I will not use a five dollar word where a twenty five cent one will do.

My Trip With Masculinity

Original artwork by C. Kellam Scott

Alright, so, a long time ago in a New Jersey far, far away, I was born, one month late. But none the less a healthy baby boy. And so I remained until I was oh, say 23, when I'd been living on my own for a few years and I felt like an adult, a man. The problem had always been though, that I'd always felt like less of a man. And yet I couldn't tell anyone why, let alone myself. But I digress.

When I say I was a boy I don't mean just biologically although that too. I felt like a boy and had no reasons not to. I've always loved roaming around, riding bikes, going exploring, getting my hands dirty, making things, playing sports, breaking things, tussling with my friends. You know, the boy's life. Up until the 2nd grade I was an outgoing - affable kid who got along well with others. What no-one else knew when I started to become withdrawn was what I had noticed. The genders were separating even further and I didn't know why. Something was amiss. I now only had guy friends. Which wasn't so bad considering some of my interests. I have always sought masculine input. As any little boy does I idolized my Pop. I still carry a brown leather wallet today to remind me of him. But I put a high value on feminine input too. I can be pretty effusive and emotional at times and women are often far better at that then men, not always of course. The only thing of real value to my sense of self when I was young was my creative side, and that would be the route I took.

Hi, I'm Beatrice.

My friends call me Bess.

The first post is always the most daunting. Introducing oneself to a new audience, trying to make a good first impression. It’s both exhilarating and scary. Lots of “will they like me?” and “will people be interested in what I have to say?”