Sexuality is a very complex construct. There are a lot of labels floating around out there: homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, gay, lesbian, straight, etc. We cling to these labels as a means of bringing the illusion of order to our often chaotic world. But the truth is, most people don’t fit neatly into one category. Sexuality, like most things, is a spectrum, and the majority of people do not fall all the way on one extreme or the other. Most people are somewhere in the middle. We choose to identify with a certain label in order to more easily explain our general tendencies, leanings, and preferences to others. Unfortunately, identifying ourselves by any of these labels leads others to make assumptions about us based on the label we've chosen. But only we as individuals can truly know what that label means to us. If someone identifies as “gay,” it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never been attracted to someone of the opposite sex, and if someone identifies as “straight,” it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never been attracted to someone of the same sex. Likewise, if someone identifies as “asexual,” it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never experienced sexual attraction at all.
I've had inklings that I might be asexual for a long time. Before I knew there was a name for it, I was aware that everyone around me seemed to be very driven by sex and related activities, and for whatever reason, I never really even thought about it. Once I discovered that asexuality was an actual phenomenon out in the world, I was still extremely hesitant to apply that label to myself, despite the fact that everything I read about it fit me to a T. Well, almost to a T. I did have one experience with sexual attraction, in college. I fell in love with a guy who happened to be a close friend of mine, and though we never dated or had a romantic relationship, we did often talk online (never in person) about sexual things. But we never acted on any of it, and were never even in a situation where the possibility of acting on it actually existed. Still, the fact that I knew I was sexually attracted to him made me question whether I could ever truly call myself "asexual." For years, I refused to apply that label to myself because of that one experience. Then, one day, I read in an FAQ about asexuality that asexual people sometimes have sexual fantasies, but these usually exist only in their heads, and they wouldn't desire any of them to happen in real life. That was when I realized that had I ever actually been put in a situation where something sexual could have happened between me and that guy, I wouldn't have physically desired any of it. The only reason I felt it was because it was all hypothetical. That was when I finally accepted the "asexual" label for myself, and realized (although I am still working on fully convincing myself of it) that my one experience of sexual attraction does not exclude me from belonging to the asexual community.
Another reason I've been hesitant to accept a label for myself is that, as I mentioned earlier, with labels come inevitable assumptions. We live in a society where, when you are in a relationship, or especially if you're married (as I am), people assume that you are having sex with your partner. This is a very difficult road for me to travel, as I am honest to a fault, and it feels like I'm lying to everyone when they assume that my husband and I have sex (which we don't, as I am asexual and have no desire to engage in such activity). It especially becomes tricky when people start asking when we're going to have kids. I do want to be a mom, and we are working on alternative methods, but most of the people in our lives (specifically our families) don't know that I'm asexual. Thus, we get a lot of awkward, sometimes flat-out inappropriate comments. For example, we were recently at a family event, and when my husband told his father and stepmother very politely that the status of our reproductive lives was not up for discussion, and that we would let them know if and when anything happened, my father-in-law proceeded to half-jokingly say, "but you're practicing a LOT, right?" Talk about awkward!
But anyway, I'm rambling. Back to my point about labels and assumptions. We are all guilty of making assumptions about other people. Often our assumptions are based on the way people look, talk, or act. Sometimes our assumptions are based on the labels people choose to identify themselves. A very good friend of mine is an out and proud lesbian. She came out to me when we were in college. When she told me she liked girls, the first thing out of my mouth was, "so do you think you're bisexual?" She quickly explained to me that no, she was in fact lesbian, not bisexual. The reason I assumed she must be bisexual is, when we were in middle school, we had written a series of newsletters about ourselves, just for the two of us (we never shared them with anyone), to keep up to date on each other's lives. In one of the newsletters, she had admitted having fantasies of a sexual nature (pretty specific, too) about a male actor. So naturally, I assumed that since she had clearly had heterosexual fantasies in the past, that she couldn't be a lesbian. Of course, I was wrong. As I said earlier, the fact that someone identifies as lesbian doesn't necessarily mean that they've never been attracted to the opposite sex. However, the contradiction in her admissions bothered me so much that I recently asked her about it. She assured me that she hadn't just made up the adolescent fantasies to "fit in", or anything like that. She simply identifies as lesbian because it best describes her general preference, and that particular situation was an exception.
You would think that as an asexual person who has to deal with incorrect assumptions from other people on a daily basis, I would be less prone to making such false assumptions about others. But it's human nature to assume, especially when it helps us to categorize life in our heads. In our society, once people reach a certain age, it's generally assumed that they are sexually active. Obviously, this isn't true, nor does it even make much sense, but the assumption still exists. It's also assumed that people of certain relationship statuses are sexually active. This is obviously also untrue, and I'm a walking example of that. It's no wonder that it can often be a very difficult decision to identify with a certain label. With any label comes a whole slew of assumptions, many of which may not be true in any given case. I'm still learning, and I hope that other people are also making a conscious effort to be aware that every person and every situation is unique, and making generalized assumptions based on the labels people choose to identify themselves can do a lot more harm than good.
Another reason I've been hesitant to accept a label for myself is that, as I mentioned earlier, with labels come inevitable assumptions. We live in a society where, when you are in a relationship, or especially if you're married (as I am), people assume that you are having sex with your partner. This is a very difficult road for me to travel, as I am honest to a fault, and it feels like I'm lying to everyone when they assume that my husband and I have sex (which we don't, as I am asexual and have no desire to engage in such activity). It especially becomes tricky when people start asking when we're going to have kids. I do want to be a mom, and we are working on alternative methods, but most of the people in our lives (specifically our families) don't know that I'm asexual. Thus, we get a lot of awkward, sometimes flat-out inappropriate comments. For example, we were recently at a family event, and when my husband told his father and stepmother very politely that the status of our reproductive lives was not up for discussion, and that we would let them know if and when anything happened, my father-in-law proceeded to half-jokingly say, "but you're practicing a LOT, right?" Talk about awkward!
But anyway, I'm rambling. Back to my point about labels and assumptions. We are all guilty of making assumptions about other people. Often our assumptions are based on the way people look, talk, or act. Sometimes our assumptions are based on the labels people choose to identify themselves. A very good friend of mine is an out and proud lesbian. She came out to me when we were in college. When she told me she liked girls, the first thing out of my mouth was, "so do you think you're bisexual?" She quickly explained to me that no, she was in fact lesbian, not bisexual. The reason I assumed she must be bisexual is, when we were in middle school, we had written a series of newsletters about ourselves, just for the two of us (we never shared them with anyone), to keep up to date on each other's lives. In one of the newsletters, she had admitted having fantasies of a sexual nature (pretty specific, too) about a male actor. So naturally, I assumed that since she had clearly had heterosexual fantasies in the past, that she couldn't be a lesbian. Of course, I was wrong. As I said earlier, the fact that someone identifies as lesbian doesn't necessarily mean that they've never been attracted to the opposite sex. However, the contradiction in her admissions bothered me so much that I recently asked her about it. She assured me that she hadn't just made up the adolescent fantasies to "fit in", or anything like that. She simply identifies as lesbian because it best describes her general preference, and that particular situation was an exception.
You would think that as an asexual person who has to deal with incorrect assumptions from other people on a daily basis, I would be less prone to making such false assumptions about others. But it's human nature to assume, especially when it helps us to categorize life in our heads. In our society, once people reach a certain age, it's generally assumed that they are sexually active. Obviously, this isn't true, nor does it even make much sense, but the assumption still exists. It's also assumed that people of certain relationship statuses are sexually active. This is obviously also untrue, and I'm a walking example of that. It's no wonder that it can often be a very difficult decision to identify with a certain label. With any label comes a whole slew of assumptions, many of which may not be true in any given case. I'm still learning, and I hope that other people are also making a conscious effort to be aware that every person and every situation is unique, and making generalized assumptions based on the labels people choose to identify themselves can do a lot more harm than good.
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