This week marks an important
milestone in our diverse history. Twenty-six years ago, on October 11, 1987
half a million people gathered at the United States capitol for the second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. The second being more notable than the
first because of the nearly doubled participation and serious forward motion
that occurred afterward. From this march on Washington stemmed nearly 100 new
gay and lesbian organizations, and a little further down the road in 1988 - the
very first National Coming Out Day was celebrated.
Every year (and every day) around
the world, individuals find their inner hero and come out to their friends and family for the first time. This year's message from the Human Rights Campaign
is that “Coming out still matters” and it does! For all those who are scared,
for those who have paved the path before us, and for those of us who have to come out on a regular basis, it matters that we keep this topic open and
unburdened by negativity. It is important to everyone, in their own way.
I'm very fortunate to have been
born into a very supportive and open-minded family, so my coming out story may
not be as exciting as others' but I'm going to share it anyway. Because you probably will not have the same experience, but I want to reinforce that there are good (or
at least not-so-terrible) experiences to have when coming out. You can keep
your family, your life, and your friends. Your parents may surprise you.
When I was 16, my computer desktop
wallpaper was a photo of Ashley Simpson, something similar to the photo on the
back of her album, Autobiography.
Sequins, black hair, ring light shining in her eyes, and lip-gloss. My mom came in the computer room to talk to me about
something, was distracted by the wallpaper and asked, “Why do you have that as
your wallpaper?” I simply responded, “She's hot.” I didn't really care for her
music (this also probably confused my mom, as she knew I didn't like her music), but I liked the photo and had spoken
the (my) truth - she looked hot. Her response to mine was, “Well couldn't you
find someone a little less slutty?” I think this was in response to her song,
“La La” at the time, which is basically all about sex. But hey, what song isn't
ultimately about sex these days…? Anyway, this was the first of many hints I
threw at my mom that I was at least a little gay. Her reaction was pretty nonchalant and we both went along on our way.
It was a little awkward the last
year of high school, even though I dated a boy, some girls I brought home, my
mom treated a little differently. As if I had accidentally introduced them to
her as my “friend” with big air
quotes while motioning hip thrusts behind the girl. Sometimes it felt like she
was trying to work out in her head exactly what kind of friend I had brought
home. Non-judgmental, just a little confusing since I hadn't sat down with her
and defined my interests.
I hadn't given my dad any hints
growing up. It came to a breaking point when I broke up with my (male) fiancé
at age 22 and my dad had called me to make sure I was okay. He had hinted that
I wasn't trying hard enough to make the relationship work, and suggested that
we try therapy. We were talking pretty calmly up until this point and for some
reason I lost my temper, and yelled into the phone, “This isn't something
therapy can fix, Dad!” My heart pumped and I strained my ears for what would
come through the phone next. I heard a quiet “Oh,” come through. He got it,
loud and clear. I didn't even have to say the rest of the words.
After that, during our phone
conversations my dad would ask, “Are you dating anyone new?” rather than “Are
you dating a new guy?” and I was thankful for the acceptance. At times, I am a
little sorry I didn't have a sit down talk with each of my parents about my
sexuality, because I'm sure both had questions. I made the assumption that both
of my parents are internet-capable people who could seek information online,
which isn't always wise and I wouldn't recommend for most people. I just didn't have an exact definition of my sexuality
to give myself, let alone my parents so I abstained. And that's okay! If you
come out to your parents or friends you don't have to make a big sit down conversation out
of it, judge your own situation for the appropriate setting to come out in.
For some people, it can be a totally different story between them knowing you're into the same sex, and actually committing yourself to them with an engagement or wedding. A lot of my friends knew I was interested in women but when I told them (and updated my facebook status that) I proposed to my girlfriend some people were surprised I was "taking it that far" with a woman. I found some people were okay with me dating women but were worried for me because I wanted to marry one. Luckily, only a small handful of people acted this way towards me, and none of them were very close to me.
If you've been wanting to come out for a while, consider doing so on the 25th NCOD, this Friday, October 11th. Coming out can be something that a lot of people dread. Now that you know it's coming up, plan a party, make it fun! If you have already come out - support a friend, find an event, volunteer, speak, just live it up and raise awareness!
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