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| Artwork by C. Kellam Scott |
For most of the asexual community's existence I have been totally un-aware. Without that bond I was wandering in darkness, trying to be straight. Everyone said that if I wasn’t attracted to men then I must like women, so that's what I said I liked. Just before I came out as asexual and knew that I could never go through the mortification and self loathing of dating a woman again, I had all but decided to give being gay a try. Men and women all look the same to me. There really isn't anything different about sex with either group, just inies and outies. Again, when I found Aven I discovered that many asexuals have been through this while searching. I knew it would all go as wrong as my attempt to be straight had. I had been through this very same dilemma when I was in my teens. I had only just begun my search for sexual identity. I knew I didn't have one but I did have supportive parents, if I was gay they'd be fine with it. That's when I saw a news story about a high school in New York that was all gay teenagers. I was miserable at my school, totally alienated from my peers. I watched the happy kids in the news story, free to be themselves, and I longed for that freedom. I wanted to attend that school so badly but in the end I realized that those kids would figure out what was wrong with me possibly even faster than the mixed group at my school had.
Its that innate shared life experience that those kids in that school had, that all the straight kids at my high school had that I wanted so badly. The monastery was out not just because of the god thing but because all the camaraderie had to be learned. I wanted to know who I was, not who I could become with training. I searched my entire adult life for that sense of belonging. I looked in music, subculture, the art world, genetic history and even at work. But there was always something to learn and I never quite belonged, I was always lost in the end. Standing on the outside looking in. In every group there was a private conversation going on, and I never got the talking points.
As I said I tried to be straight and I did end up in a relationship with a woman. It fell apart mostly because I couldn't give her what she needed. I was totally subordinate in the relationship so I wasn't about to end it, even when she would beg me to. I knew what a loose end I would be at when it was over. When that did happen I found that flapping end was pointing me in a direction and after a couple of literally and figuratively sobering years I had begun to describe myself as non-sexual. When people tried to include me in the hetero universal or were confused at my reaction to some sexual suggestion I'd tell them that "I'm not really a sexual person", and that "really" stuck in my craw. It felt as false as any lie. When the documentary (A)sexual popped up on my Netflix this past December I kept it at arm's length for a good week or two before I watched it. My only previous media experience with the concept had been one of the worst moments in my closeted life. Dan Savage telling an asexual man in a relationship with a straight woman that he needed to end it for that very reason. It hurt because I knew it was true and that Mr. Savage was talking to me. But I haven't even been on a date in almost three years so I couldn't think of any negative outcome. So I watched it and for the first time in my life I heard other people who think and feel and have experienced life in much the same way as me. I found what I had been looking for my whole life, that intense sense of belonging. I finally knew that I wasn't a wrong person, and I knew all the rules to the club going in. Nobody could refute me I didn't have to prove myself to be accepted and I didn't need to know everything either. I could finaly just be myself, un-fettered. That feeling swelled in me and boiled over, I began by joining up with whatever online Ace community I could find and eventually got to Aven. Reading everyone's stories and feeling that innate connection in everyone, and seeing the variations of experience as well. Polar opposites with an un-breakable thread. I got so excited I felt compelled to share back and began spewing forth. When another avenite posted something about a QUILTBAG blog looking for new writers. I looked it up and ended up here. I have also made three youtube videos on asexuality. A blunt noise punk song (SCREWTAPES, We Do Exist (Asexual), an obtuse rap song (ANGRYBABY, Happiness Contingent) and a simple appeal, letting anyone who might see it know that its ok if they don't think about sex. The last one, Asexuals Are Rare Birds was the most clumsy but also the most heartfelt. I understand the importance of the asexual community in one really intense and personal way. Many times over the years, I have contemplated and attempted suicide because of my asexuality. The "It Gets Better" campaign inspired me. I haven't made it official yet, I want to make a better video, but I'm trying to get any out asexuals out there to make a youtube video about asexuality in whatever way makes them comfortable. The dark feelings and feelings of being lost or broken are common to asexuals who haven't been given the chance to be who they are yet. And if I can reach out, even a feeble palm, I feel like I have to.
Not to keep bring up Dan Savage but, in the movie (A)sexual he said something to the effect of "Gays are marching for the right to be cock sucking homosexuals. Asexuals are marching for the right to not do anything." Adding "You don't need to march for that, you could just stay home". (not an exact quote). This is the new brick wall that I've come up against. Now I do belong but in some ways I'm still being excluded. And that is no-one's fault, the asexual community only just coalesced, we hadn't piped up yet in history so we aren't part of the common conversation. And that's what I want to see change, at least a little bit more, in my lifetime.
It’s the denial of the validity of our existence that is so hard to take. I've come out to a few people directly in the few months since I accepted myself fully. Over half of those people still seemed to have a sort of bemused sense of disbelief. The idea seems to be that if you're not having sex then what is there to talk about? Well it all comes down to perception I guess. With the sense of belonging and peace that I got by finding the asexual community I was relieved of the burden of so many negative ideas that had been put on me. And I can see that the more common asexuality can be seen as the less those negative labels will successfully stick.
When I made those youtube videos I shared them on Facebook with my friends and co-workers. I've also made a half dozen T-shirts for myself. All of this has made for some difficult conversations. But they feel so necessary to me. Now, it is true that it is nobody's business what my sexuality is. On that same token, on the other side, is the fact that I deserve to be treated as a real person who's thoughts and feelings matter. Think of the sexual world as being full of extroverts, people who are bold and sure of themselves. Now imagine us asexuals as the introverts. Authour Susan Cain, in her book "Quiet", describes the relationship thusly "Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man’s world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are." That discounting is the constant shoving down the denial of who someone is. That is also why visibility is so important for the asexual community.
To be acknowledged is very important, to feel valid and useful in the community in which you live. Louis C. K. once said in is act that " If you don't have kids, your life doesn't matter, you don't count." Now, I know he was joking but that still hurt. And it did so doubly, because he wasn't even talking to me, he was talking to childless couples, and being slightly homophobic. Asexuals were not included in his dissection. If there is one reason alone to work towards greater visibility for asexuals its to expand the net of human experience. We all benefit from the variety of humanity. Closed and narrow lives are often unhappy ones. A child brought up in solitary confinement would have enduring psychological traumas throughout their lives. And that's the pain of the exclusion. Asexuals are a pretty open minded bunch, we've been through allot of gross mess, some of us, and we don't tend to look down on anyone's sexuality. But aside from that, the presumption that the only value of a human being is in their pants degrades us all. Very few people are actually remembered for their genitalia, or who their offspring grew up to be. The legends of humanity are made of great deeds of mind and body. Feats achieved in the sexual realm are often pushed to the wayside. That is probably part of the reason Gay rights has had such a long slog through history. I learned along time ago that just because something is the dominant idea, way or strategy for living does not mean that is the right or only way. The great thing about people is our adaptability, it got us the globe after all. And if we're all about information the way we say we are then surely there is room in the library for people who don't think like everyone else but are happy and healthy none the less
When I came out to my Mom she put it to me that asexuals may have suffered further repression because of the sexual revolution of her generation. At first I agreed but on reflection, I must differ. I think the public orgy that was the late 1960's and early to mid 1970's probably did allot to advance the asexual community. Because it brought the discussion of sex out of the shadows and into the public forum. The modern feminist movement came out of those decades as did the Gay rights movement. That brought forth the discussion of gender confusion and transgender folks. By the time cable TV had cemented itself and the internet had risen the discussion had spread to include all manner of perversions and kinks and titillations. Everything from healthy little things to sickness on an embarrassing scale. Because of all of that, and the asexuals who were wandering that new wilderness, asexual visibility finally occurred. To say that that is as far as the conversation needs to go would be a sad mistake. Asexuality needs to come even further away from the fringes of society and into the mainstream, to join the full discussion. To at least be mentioned in sex ed classes so that fewer kids have to grow up feeling broken. To make it perfectly normal for someone to say they're just not into sex. That when an asexual gets hit on and finally realizes it, that they can say that they're asexual and have it be understood and not turn to insults and denial. Homosexuality has been beaten on by the Hetero world for much of human history. The pride of my generation has been watching and participating in put an end to that, and treating all people as they are, like people. Asexuals haven't been beaten, at least not for being Ace, we've been forgotten and ignored. I know we're only one percent, and that that isn't a popular percentage to be in the world these days. But does that small number really mean that we don't count? That we don't deserve to be heard and understood? I don't think so.
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