I’ve had some interesting conversations this week with people who have been reading my stuff. Discussions about grey-a, demis and how this differs from being selective or virtuous. A friend who is single was saying to me that they were very selective in their choice of partner. Only a very specific type appeals. They went on to describe this type, but they described traits that could be discerned right off the bat. They wondered if demi was the same as that. but I asked if they *wanted* a person like that to appear. They said, "Yes, because I miss having sex."
I think this is where being picky differs from being demisexual. Those times in my life when I haven't had sex, I haven't missed it. I generally have had to be coaxed into it in the first place. I suppose that's why I've always felt like there was something wrong with me.
If Husband and I don't have sex, I am quite capable of forgetting about the whole thing. I won't say that I have sex only to please him, just that it never occurs to me. It's a bit like going to the movies for me--pleasant and fun, but most days, it's not an activity I'm invested in. I have my, "Oooh, that sounds like fun." days, but I never feel the craving I've read about. Even when I was a teenager, it was never that strong an urge.
I remember trying to explain this to people when I was with abusive boyfriend #1. People would say that the sex couldn't possibly be that good. Truly, it actually wasn't--however he was the *only* one I felt any desire towards. It didn't help that people kept pointing out his shortcomings (which there were many). I even tried making out with other people to no avail--not a spark of desire. Nothing. Nada. In my case, I don't think the emotional bond even really needs to be love. It just has to be strong. We had one of those relationships where we had really good make up sex after horrible fights.
After I well and truly got rid of abusive BF #1, I found someone else who was of the same type, in the hopes that the sex would work. We had sex, but it was very rarely fun or pleasant. We had fights and make up sex, but I always faked my way through it. I really hoped my body would start behaving. All that happened was that I learned that KY was my friend and began to believe I was frigid (the term he liked to use). Once I got tired of being treated badly, I just left.
It was really different with Husband, because we'd already known each other for five years. And he wasn't an asshole. He was accommodating, considerate and very happy to discover that I liked to experiment...a lot. In the course of this experimentation, I found I didn't need to fight to have good sex. I discovered that, while I do need a high amount of adrenaline to really get into the act itself, fighting is not the only way to get one's adrenaline pumping. Husband was really happy that I'm into that sort of thing.
When we were trying to conceive our children, it was difficult because of my slow-to-start sex drive. Then, when the kids were little, it was very hard for me to be interested after days of constantly being in contact with creatures who must have tactile stimulation. However, when we did have it, sex was much better after kids--I think partly because that was one more strong emotional bond. Even when I'm being a bitch and he's being an ass, we're still our kid’s parents. I think this is what people think of when they talk about children bringing couples closer. It can, but only if you're willing to put in the work.
In my experience, I sometimes have to be willing to have sex sometimes even if I’m not entirely into it. Not in a "Wifely Duty" sort of way, but in a "I want to do this thing that makes you feel really happy and loved because it’s special to you and I love making you happy" way. It's easy to do because I have a considerate partner.
So, how is being demi different from having standards? Again, food metaphors are appropriate.
Most people like chocolate. Most people who like chocolate like dark chocolate, milk chocolate and white chocolate.
I adore milk chocolate. I don’t keep it in the house. I am quite capable of eating ridiculous amounts of the stuff. Far more than is good for me. I have no willpower when it comes to milk chocolate. Good, bad or indifferent, I’ll eat it all.
Conversely, I dislike dark chocolate. I mean intensely. I also dislike white chocolate. It is a matter of how the chemicals interact in my mouth. Nothing you can say to me will change my mind because that is how I am wired.
If you put me in a candy store filled with chocolate, but it is all dark or white, I have no trouble “being good” (I’ll talk about what’s wrong with ascribing good and evil to food in another post, but go with it for now). I can, in fact, be quite hungry and not even consider eating any of it. To be honest I would have to have skipped every meal of the day to even think of it.
I am being neither selective nor virtuous because I don’t like dark chocolate. I also don’t have any sense that I am missing out on anything.
This is the real difference between non-aces and the ace and grey-a portion of the population. When sex is not in the equation we don’t feel deprived. We might feel lonely for a human connection but that’s not the same.
When a non-ace experiences a loss in libido, it’s generally a worrying deviation from their baseline. Vows of celibacy are considered huge sacrifices. Abstinence is acknowledged to be astoundingly difficult to maintain. Long periods between sexual partners are spoken of as causing real distress.
Aces and demis just don’t experience that.
Many times in my workshops, teenagers ask, why can’t someone just decide to be straight?
“It’s like feeding salad to a carnivore.” I explain.
Yeah, it’s like that.
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