A Different Perspective: An Interview with my Husband

(x)

Whenever I tell someone that I’m asexual, their first question is almost always some variant of, “how does your husband feel about that?” I’ve answered that question many times, to the best of my ability. But I think most people would rather hear it directly from the source. Since I started writing for this blog, I’ve asked the people I’ve shared it with if there are topics they’d be interested in seeing me write about. The most common suggestion I’ve gotten is to somehow share my husband’s perspective on the blog. I didn’t think having him write a guest post would work, since it’s already a collaborative blog, and that might just confuse people. So instead, I’ve decided to interview him and post it here, and hopefully this will answer those burning questions everyone seems to have! For privacy purposes, my husband will be referred to as “H” (for “husband”) during this interview.

T: Let’s get right into it – how DO you feel about my asexuality?

H: I fell in love with you as a person, not because of sex or sexuality or anything like that. I’ve loved you for a long time, and part of that is loving you for you, and for who you are. Your identity is crucial to who you are, and none of the things that I fell in love with have anything to do with sexuality. I mean, it’s who you are, it’s not changeable, it’s not negotiable. It’s like saying, “wow, I really wish you were a redhead,” or “I really wish you had blue eyes.” It’s part of who you are, and I love you for who you are. I think that it really helps that we have the same goals, and we both want to have children, and we’re both committed to working through the various means for us to have children, regardless of sexuality.

T: What was your reaction when I first told you that I was asexual?

H: My first reaction was probably, “oh no, are we going to be able to have kids?” Probably. I mean, it wasn’t a surprise. We had talked about our libidos to some extent for some time, and I was well aware of our differences in that regard. So it wasn’t surprising or upsetting, it was simply a reality. But it wasn’t like an “a-ha!” moment or a calculated conversation, it really did come about naturally and gradually, and I was not surprised or shocked or anything.

T: Did my asexuality ever make you feel concerned about the long-term viability of our relationship/marriage?

H: It really didn’t, because the foundation of our relationship was never really significantly influenced by sex. But I was concerned about our ability to have children, and our ability to have children that we were biologically linked to, because I think that was important to both of us, to be able to have children that we were biologically responsible for.

T: How does my asexuality affect your experience of our relationship/marriage?

H: I really don’t think it does. I mean, your sexuality is personal, and it’s never been a problem for me. Sex isn’t an integral part of my relationship with you. I feel like it would be more impactful if you were not romantic. Being able to hold hands, and hug, and kiss – those fulfill the majority of my needs. For me, the romantic connection has always been more important than the sexual connection, and despite your asexuality, you’re very romantic.

T: Does it ever bother you that people make assumptions about our sexual relationship just because we’re married?

H: Because our sexuality is private and isn’t really a topic of conversation for the general population – it’s not like you wear a sign with a big letter A on your shirt! – I’m not worried about what other people think, because for the most part, they don’t know. But even if they did, it wouldn’t matter. You can’t change your own identity, and I wouldn’t want to. I love you for who you are.

T: Any other thoughts or comments that you’d like to share on the subject?

H: I was very pleasantly surprised when you mentioned the fact that you were willing to work on trying to have sex after we hopefully succeed in having children. I felt that it was a very romantic gesture that you would do something that was uncomfortable for you in order to fulfill my needs. That made me feel very warm and fuzzy!

H: I’m curious how we experience things differently. I’m curious as to your experience, like how you experience arousal. I really wish I could be in your head for a day, and for you to be able to do the same!

T: Yeah, I wish we could experience each other’s lives for a day, too! I’ve always been curious what life is like for sexual people.

So there you have it – my husband’s thoughts and feelings in his own words. This is why, as annoyed as I get with him sometimes, I know that I’m really lucky to have found him. He’s perfect for me because I don’t think anyone else would be okay in this situation (being a sexual person married to an asexual), but he is. And now you all know how supportive and loving and awesome he is! Thanks for everything, Hubby!