A Different Look at Mothers Day

(S)

In honor of Mothers Day, I want to take a look back and also a look ahead. Last year, I wrote a blog post in one of my personal blogs (also anonymous because it was meant to be a place for me to explore my journey to self-acceptance regarding my asexuality) about how my experience of Mothers Day had changed since I had recently begun to self-identify as asexual. I thought it would be very relevant to my mission in writing for FRW, so I’ve decided to repost the content here along with some additional comments one year later. Here is what I wrote one year ago:

I have always loved holidays that celebrate people (birthdays included!). I love having a special opportunity to show the people in my life how much I care about them and what they mean to me. Mothers Day has always been a day when I look forward to celebrating my mom, grandma, aunts, cousins, and friends who are all amazing and wonderful mothers. But this year, I experienced something different. For the first time, Mothers Day made me sad. It made me sad because I’m not a mother yet, and I want to be one so badly.

When you’re the oldest child in your family, as both my husband and I are, you’re always expected to do everything first. People were hounding us about when we were going to get married since about six months into our relationship. Once we got married, the conversation quickly turned to children. Everyone wants to know when the babies are coming. Some people are subtle, like my mom, who constantly makes comments like, “I miss having babies around!” Others are much less subtle, like my husband’s cousin, who asked me point blank after seeing a friend’s baby, “So when are you going to have one? You need to get on that!” Add that to the pressure I’ve been putting on myself for the past year or so, and it becomes a giant mess of emotions.

So yesterday, we went to a Mothers Day brunch at a friend’s house. There were a lot of mothers there, and many of them wished me a Happy Mothers Day because I’m a mother to our dog. I thought that was sweet, but it also enhanced the feelings of sadness that I don’t have a child of my own yet. To top it all off, my husband and I called all of the mothers and grandmothers to wish them a Happy Mothers Day. When he got on the phone with his stepmother, she had the gall to bug him again about me. She asked him when I would be joining the motherhood club (in not so many words). He reminded her that I am our dog’s mother, and she made some comment to the effect of, “well, yeah, but I mean a REAL mother.” He only told me about this after the fact, but it really hurt to hear that. I know all of these people mean well, but you never know someone’s circumstances, and comments that are meant to be playful can really be just awful to hear.

Now, more than ever, I am very aware of all the people for whom Mothers Day is one of the hardest days of the year. For all those people who have lost their mothers, for all the mothers who have lost a child, for all the people who so desperately want to be mothers, but haven’t been able to for various reasons (infertility, sexuality, illness, etc.)…this is a very emotionally charged day for all of us, for I now count myself among you. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for and appreciative of my mother, grandmother, etc., but it does make the day a little harder watching everyone else celebrate what I desire with all of my heart and can’t have, at least not yet.

So, in conclusion, I hope that all the mothers out there had a very happy Mothers Day. And for those of you like me for whom it’s not a happy occasion right now, hang in there. I hope that someday all of us can realize our dreams!

...So here we are, a year later, and I’m spending another Mothers Day with mixed emotions. I still don’t have a child of my own, though we’ve been actively trying for 10 months now. I now have many more friends who are mothers, and several more family members who’ve either had babies or become pregnant in the past year. And the expectations from our families and even some friends are still there. Most people are still subtle about it, but since I’m kind of overly sensitive in general, I’m all too aware of the meaning behind their words. Thankfully, my mother at least has stopped with the hinting, although she still constantly asks me if I’m pregnant (now that she knows we’ve been trying). But I also have gotten to know more mothers who had a longer path to motherhood, whether because of infertility or various other reasons. Seeing these mothers now happy with their amazing kids gives me hope that one day, I will get there too, despite the obstacles that sometimes seem so daunting. And watching the mothers I know interact with their kids is a constant reminder of why this is something I want so badly. It gives me the motivation to keep trying, so that someday, I can live that dream.

To all the mothers out there, I wish you a very happy Mothers Day, and I hope that you take the time today to celebrate your experience of motherhood and the amazing lives you’ve created. To all the people for whom Mothers Day is a less than joyous occasion, whatever the reason, know that you are not alone, and that you are recognized and loved on this day too. As for me, I look forward with renewed motivation and hope that maybe by this time next year, I will be a mother (or at least on my way to being one), able to celebrate the joy of having a child of my own to cherish.