I should let you know, I love the English language. Words have been my friends since I could form them. I have a tendency to use some pretty esoteric words at times, because darn it, if one word will do, I’m not going to use a paragraph. Having said that, I will not use a five dollar word where a twenty five cent one will do.
One of the things I really adore about English is it’s elasticity. Can’t think of a word to describe something? Make one up! Like Google, or online, or cell phone. Or better yet, MacGyver one--like Kafka-esque or normalcy. Stealing words is totally kosher too--like anime, or schadenfreude.
However, in this elasticity, we sometimes forget to be precise in our meaning. Take the word “asexual”. Perfectly good word, which here means: person who does not experience sexual attraction or desire towards other people.
So far, so good.
“Demi-sexual”; this is a sort of jury rigged word--here it means Person who experiences sexual attraction or desire towards other people under very specific circumstances.
Now, it is tempting to say that “sexual” must be the opposite of “asexual”.
However, this person brings up some excellent points:
http://missvoltairine.tumblr.com/post/10402402225/attempted-danger-sexual-and-asexual-tw
I think I must agree with Miss Voltairine that “sexual” to describe non-asexual people is treading dangerous territory linguistically and identity-wise.
Asexual is only opposite sexual when used to describe reproduction. The literal meaning of the word that is the opposite of “sexual”--that is to say referring to reproduction--(as asexuals are often reminded in sarcastic tones) refers to life forms that, in their normal development, have no sexual organs at all. In fact, used that way it’s almost a slur. I’m sure most aces have heard the sneers, so I don’t need to expand on them
Add to that, when used to describe sexual drive this dichotomy completely leaves out a big chunk of the grey-a spectrum. Where do I fall?
Hmm...I have only ever felt authentic sexual desire directed towards the person of my husband and two others. I don’t understand unresolved sexual tension, or sexual tension of any kind, really--I’ve never experienced it. There are many, many sexual cues that I just fail to grasp. I never feel attraction towards random people and I never have. Hmm.
Clearly, it is not a tidy either/or dichotomy. Plus, as Miss Voltairine points out, people feel more or less sexual over their lifetime or even a course of a day.
So, we need to talk about that spectrum. At the one end are the people who are completely asexual. They don’t experience desire, don’t miss it. This is their normal. More than likely, this is two to ten percent of the population (extrapolating from other spectrums of human behavior, each extreme holds two to ten percent). At the other end we have what I’ll refer to as high sex drive people, people who find that sex is vital to intimacy and really have a hard time connecting to others without it, also two to ten percent.
The rest fall into the middle, along a Bell curve probably. .
When asexual people refer to themselves as asexual, they are using the word to refer to their own orientation..
Thus, even asexual people are sexual animals, in that most of them have sexual organs.
One of the other things we can look at is the fact if a way of speaking is hurtful, civilized people stop using that term. I don’t like people who say, “It’s just words.” If that is the case, then changing the words you use shouldn’t be a problem.
The only acceptable answer to a request of “I find that way of referring to me demeaning or uncomfortable. Please don’t use that word to refer to me” is, “OK, what would you prefer?”
For instance, I can completely understand that some non-asexual people might be discomfited by being referred to as “sexuals”. Especially if they are celibate by choice or circumstance, or healing from bad stuff, or just had surgery or a baby or a ton of other things that might make one not interested in having sex but not ready to identify as asexual (because this is not a base line state for them).
Add to that, I think to set up the dichotomy of “sexual” vs “asexual” really robs the conversation of depth and doesn’t help the asexual Community gain ground or friends.
The term “Ace” is rather nice. It is an abbreviation of “asexual” but to my ear it also connotes the self contained single-ness of an ace card. It is also an orientation positive word. An “ace” is someone who’s really, really good at something. If you “Ace” something, that means you did it perfectly. So it connotes the idea that one’s orientation is just perfect for the one who has it. After years of thinking oneself frigid, impotent, broken or just plain weird, that’s something most aces could use. So, I will be using ace to refer to asexual people and orientation.
The other terms I will use are gray-a, to refer to the people closer to the asexual side of the spectrum. Demi-ace to refer to those who identify as demi-sexual and non-ace to refer to those who do not identify on the ace side.
Having witnessed in my lifetime “firemen” becoming “firefighters”, “waiters and waitresses” becoming “wait staff” and “postmen” becoming “mail carriers”, without the English speaking world coming to an end, I think that words can be found that are descriptive without being either offensive or silly.
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