Stop Complaining so I Can Still Feel Good About Myself

Yes apparently this is a legitimate fear for some (S)

 "It’s all political correctness gone mad! Yes, that’s right, ensuring that minority groups in the community don’t feel alienated by other groups is completely wrong. In fact, it’s infringing on my rights as a person! But I'm not bigoted I promise."

"Well, ok, I'll admit, it's not stopping me from having any rights I had before. And, yes, it's not exactly hard to not say something that offends someone, but I've said it all my life without being told to stop, and since I don't actually mean it the way you're taking it, then you can't get offended."

Ah, yes, do excuse me. I forget that this concept is so difficult for people to understand.

This post is similar to a lot of my other posts, in that it was started by an argument. For once, though, the argument wasn't online (yes, I am one of those people who argue with people over the Internet, I'm sorry). What I tend to notice is that people online are a lot more confident about expressing negative views or engaging in debates - partly, I assume, because of the anonymous aspect of it all, and partly because when writing a reply it is possible to think it through before sending it on. In real life, however, we are denied these two comforts.

Add in the fact that, when someone is trying to talk about homosexuality, for example, and the person arguing with them is not straight, the argument becomes a lot more personal. As Mike Freer, Conservative MP, said during the debate on marriage equality (this happens to be my favourite quote to come from the debates, incidentally):

"When colleagues talk about gay marriage making them physically sick or suggesting it is a step towards legalising polygamy or incest they need to remember that there are people involved. Words spoken in this chamber hurt far beyond this chamber."

This, dear readers, is what we need to remember that homophobic or biphobic or transphobic people forget when they argue online: these are real, living, breathing people. When you put them in front of a QUILTBAG person, sometimes it can almost be a shock that they're not talking about some faceless grey monolith - they're talking about people that look and act exactly the same as them, in most cases.

So the point is, arguing about gay matters with someone in real life makes people feel uncomfortable. Most of the times I've called someone out on bigotry, they've gone quiet and apologised.

It was a surprise, then, to find someone actually arguing back when I asked them to not say that our kettle (which was broken) was "so damn gay". Their reasoning for it not being offensive? Well, they didn't mean gay, of course. They meant, like, stupid, you know? 

Silly me, how could I completely misunderstand the way you used a word (that, by the way, isn't negative and shouldn't have negative connotations) to mean something bad.

I'm not going to go too far into the reasoning behind why the phrase "that's so gay" offends me, as there have been multiple posts about that on Freedom Requires Wings. I am, however, going to go into one or two of the arguments that can be applied more generally to hurtful comments and phrases - homophobes, you see, are a terribly unimaginative bunch, and almost all of the arguments they use are pretty generic.

Firstly, there's the traditional "but I didn't mean it in a derogatory way, so it can't be insulting!", also known as the Get Out of Jail Free (Even Though it's a Rubbish Argument) card. I'll put it in very simple terms: "I really don't like cake, so I don't think I'll eat it" is a phrase that is not insulting. You're not insulting people that eat cake, and the cake itself is fairly ignorant of any remarks made against it. On the other hand, "I really am quite indifferent to gay people, but I will use the word 'gay' to describe everything that is bothersome or annoying to me", is quite offensive, because it equates the word "gay" to something negative. The default reaction of most people using the phrase when they get called out is to vehemently deny that they're against gay people, and I am inclined to believe them.

But there are hundreds of words that actually describe "a reaction to something negative", so why people are trying to defend themselves with this is beyond me.

The other favourite argument is what I call the "Force of Habit" premise. This is where the person, after being called out on using a derogatory word or uncomfortable phrasing, says "but I've always said this, so why are you getting angry?"

Fun top tip, there: If I've said I get offended by something, it's probably best to not admit to having used it all the time.

The quickest way to stop this kind of thing is to just point out that habits can change. For example, I used to bite my nails pretty much every day. I know some people got over it by putting something that tasted bad on their fingers, and then they learnt to stop biting them. I, however, was unable to find this, and so I had to take an alternative route. I stopped consciously biting them and, as is the way with habits, subconsciously continued. However, every time I realised I was chewing on my nails without thinking about it, I stopped myself. It took months, but eventually I stopped biting without realising.

That's it, that's how simple it is to stop a habit. Stop yourself consciously and then convince your subconscious that it doesn't want to keep going.

Biting nails isn't even too terrible - at the most it's a habit that people don't like to see too much. Using the derogatory term for a gay man, on the other hand, is a habit that is insulting at best and sickening at worst. If someone says "but I've always said it", tell them it's never too late to unlearn something. If they insist, then feel free to give them a friendly/not so friendly tap to the jaw (verbally, of course, let's not advocate violence here). There are no reasons why it's acceptable to use phrases that make people uncomfortable - especially if the person has said that it makes them upset.

(S)

Well, dear readers, this is it - for this post at least. If anyone's ever read my posts and thought "hmm, Romilly's been writing for a while!", then thanks for noticing! Yes, it has been almost exactly a year since I started posting at Freedom Requires Wings - my first post from February 20th 2012 can be found here. Most of all I'd just like to thank anyone that has read one of, or ever commented on my posts. I'm not a writer. I'm a mathematician, and writing weekly is very difficult when a lot of the rest of the week I'm looking at how metals fail under stress, or the force applied to a pin joint in a machine (just for some examples of what I do with my time). I write because it means a lot to me, and hopefully I'll be here next year writing a post to celebrate my second anniversary on this fantastic site. Cake for all!