More real than thou

Sometimes drag queens are told they're "not fooling
anyone" (S)

“Real men” and “real women” – I bet every one of you has heard these two phrases. But, what is a real man or woman? From time to time you can hear the phrase “real men do this” or “real women are like that”, sometimes with the intention to shame a man that is too effeminate, or a woman that is not feminine enough, sometimes with the intention to put down a transgender or gay person. Also, it seems like the criteria that you need to meet to be considered real never actually ends… You’re never good enough! So, what’s this all about? Where does it all stem from and what do people mean when they talk about those mythical “real men/women”?

When talking about “real men/women”, people often want to shun unusual forms of gender expression – but the concepts of “masculine” and “feminine” have changed so much throughout history, and also vary across different cultures quite a bit. So there is no right or wrong way to express yourself in the first place! For example, things like high-heels, make-up and knitting were all things that were once associated with men and dresses were gender-neutral clothing for children not so long ago. These concepts change overtime, along with the social and economic conditions. It’s natural, because society doesn’t stand in place. It changes and evolves, and human beings also need different skills. I also sometimes hear people talking how men have become “weaker” and “emasculated”, and I can’t help but sigh... We have technology to make our lives easier when it comes to physical labor, so there is less emphasis on raw, physical power. However, there are still loads of things you can’t program into a computer – creativity, imagination, solving unexpected problems… And that’s why brain is the most important muscle of the future… According to the brain, of course.

"Androgynous Gypsie" Gucci fashion at
Milan fashion week 2008 (S)

However, fashion does seem more and more “androgynous” as well. Personally, I love the fact that blurring gender lines seems like the “in” thing in fashion, but I could hardly see anything wrong with this, even if I tried. I mean, what’s so horrible about people wearing clothing not typically associated with their gender? What about kilts? The pope’s gown? Women’s pants? Togas? Graduating gowns? Since clothes all start out like shapeless fabric, does fabric have a gender, too? Come on, stop acting like objects are going to take over your mind and kill you – it’s just some fabric (and some really nice looking fabric sometimes). You can be a long-haired, high-heel-loving fashionista, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man. Identically, you can be a hardcore lady scientist who loves motorcycles and soccer. You’re just as much of a woman! If you think putting on a few pieces of clothing affects how real you are or how you feel about yourself, I can assure you, it makes no difference. It won’t suddenly flip a magical gender switch in your head. In fact, why don’t you try and see!

Of course, a “real” man/woman is a cisgender one, so the idea of a “real man/woman” automatically erases intersex people and the identities of transgender people. However, as I already wrote several times, people often mistakenly view gender as black/white, and only the people who are on the absolute opposite sides of the spectrum are considered “real”. However, all of us are already real enough. So why are cisgender identities more real and unquestionable than transgender identities? Why are all the people, whose bodies don’t fit the male/female binary, shunned and made invisible? We are certainly all real, whether we are cis or trans, intersex or not. In fact, quite a few cultures have more than two genders for people who somehow fall outside the binary (two-spirit people of Native America, hijras of India, Samoa, the five genders in). So, we might even say that the modern western concept of masculinity and femininity is actually younger! Diversity is the norm in our world.

But why are people so protective of gender and gender segregation? Everything in this world revolves around it! Gendered restrooms, changing rooms, dorms… It’s like some old superstition that we can’t get rid of. Just, this time, the “special energy of the place” is ruined by the genitalia of the person who enders a restroom! Such horror. Moreover, a world full of gendered places like these can be like a minefield for someone who doesn’t fit the boxes.

Pink was originally for boys.
© The National Trust, Waddeson Manor

Well, one of the reasons people might be uptight about gender is because it’s one of the first things we absorb life, and, obviously, it’s hard to change or add new ideas to such a core concept. That’s probably why people are so stressed when anybody challenges anything to do with gender, especially if they only view it in a very close-minded, simplistic, “blue/pink” way. It’s been with them all of their lives, in a little safe box, pretty much unchallenged. They probably didn’t even have to think about it much. This is also why it is harmful to keep diversity invisible – educating people will help them open up their minds up more, and they’ll be more accepting. That’s exactly why textbooks need to become more inclusive, too. And no, the current system of “everybody can just identify with the major and/or dominant group” doesn’t work. Diversity needs to be made visible.

It doesn’t mean that adults can’t change their views, too! There’s a lot of guilt-tripping in society, especially in advertising, about what men and women should be. Sometimes the standards seem to be so high that there probably isn’t a person on this world that can jump through all those hoops: You don’t spend hours in front of the mirror? Eww, you must be an ugly prude! You do? High maintenance! You like literature/poetry/art? Pretentious, emotional artist! You enjoy learning, get good grades? Nerd! You want to make the world a better place? Grow up! You have a skinny body? You must have an eating disorder! You’re chubby? Lazy slag! Slept with someone? Slut! Proud of your accomplishments? You’re so full of yourself!... The list goes on and on and on… No wonder people think there are no “real men/ women” anymore – nobody’s good enough, and the standards are so unrealistic and so high that there are no such people on Earth. With so many negative messages bombarding us every day, we start to feel very insecure about our own gender expression. And insecurities breed hate! Why don’t we start with some positive messages and encourage people to accept themselves, no matter how they identify, what’s their body like, and how they express themselves.

So, the illusions of “real men” and “real women” are nothing but a way to guilt-trip and control our society by creating false ideals that can never be reached – so of course you can’t meet all the criteria! Such men and women simply don’t exist, and all of these ideals simply creates a lot of unnecessary stress, making anyone and everyone who doesn’t fit the norm, “unacceptable”. People start stressing out because they don’t meet these ideals, and instead of thinking about who they are, how they can become better people, they instead chase those non-existent ideals. Moreover, they are taught to hate and shun everybody and anybody who doesn’t fit these made-up ideals and norms, thus it is very harmful for a lot of people. That’s why this idea should really be put to rest for good!