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| My diary was a huge help. I highly recommend writing in one. (s) |
I remember being closeted: sitting hunched over my desk,
writing lies into my diary at night. “I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m really not gay…” At the same time this internal struggle
was going on, daily life went on around me. I could smell my mom cooking ginger
chicken upstairs, I could hear my sister practicing violin down the hall, and
my brother kicking the soccer ball against the wall. I was surrounded by people
who loved me, but I was always wondering what if: What if when I came out, the
people closest to me rejected me?
I wished I had someone to talk to, but all I had was myself.
I would ask myself: what would happen if? How will people react? What do I do?
The only answers I ever had were: I don’t know. I really don’t, and maybe things
just won’t work out. Everyone might reject me, and this could be the thing that
destroys my life. As you can imagine,
this did not go well. I wished I could talk to someone, but I wasn’t ready to
openly ask any questions, because that would be outing myself, and I just
wasn’t ready for that.
Eventually, I came out to a friend. But the time leading up
to that, I wondered: What if he is scared off? What if he looks at me strangely
and never sees me the same again? Fortunately, this worked out well, but I
still had all my other friends and family to tell. The insecurities and fear
continued to follow me. I would face the
same questions each time I considered coming out to a friend. And coming out to
friends put a lot on the line, because sometimes it doesn’t work out. One time
I came out to a friend, and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. From
there, we only became more distant. To be rejected by someone so close really
hurt. What would have been great is if I could come out to someone who currently
wasn’t a part of my life, yet understood where I was coming from perhaps
someone at my school. I also needed someone whom I knew would support me.
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| The plan |
Don’t worry. I got out of that difficult situation. Four
years later, I am openly gay, and I have the support of my family and friends.
But I remember what it was like to be closeted and questioning, and this is why
I created Qonfide, spelled with a Q at the beginning. The Q stands for
questioning and queer. The simple idea behind Qonfide is that if we can break
isolation, we can create hope.
Qonfide is a website where closeted and
questioning students can anonymously and confidentially message openly queer
students and teachers. People can also post on the forum section to pool together
the experiences of everyone. This website is aimed at helping during that key
time when you want to talk to people and ask questions, but don’t know whom to
talk to or aren’t ready to tell the people closest to you. By creating
community, it should also help whenever someone needs support from queer peers.
This website is very much an experiment, and I would love to
learn how I can improve it. Please let me know if you like the service it
provides, what features you like most, and how you feel about the aesthetics. I
am working on a new version of the website that will be launched around
December.
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| Qonfide |
Email me at cdjsato@gmail.com
with any ideas or constructive criticism you have.
Sincerely,
Colby
Follow @FRW
