 |
| Look I spent almost ten minutes on this appreciate it |
I know that most definitions of sexual orientations are fairly well known to most of our readers now, but sometimes a new word may throw you off unexpectedly - pansexuality, asexuality, and genderqueer are just three possible new and confusing terms on the sexual orientation and gender spectrum. That’s why I have compiled this handy reference guide to spotting and identifying someone – people of what orientation are characterised by their remarkable similarity to bookcases? What orientation might you be if you only eat cheese? I am here to help.
Before you read, I must emphasise that this is intended to be completely the opposite of serious, and is definitely not intended to offend.
Could YOUR friend be a - wait for it - homosexual? Is YOUR partner an – are you sitting down for this? – asexual? How can we possibly know? No, don’t answer that, I’m here with the solution for all of your problems! Yes, that’s right, Romilly’s Completely Serious Orientation Reference Guide!
Heterosexuality
 |
| Why? We just don't know |
In the majority, a heterosexual can often be tricked into giving up their secret pile of gold by convincing them that something looks like something it is not. Phrases such as “Does that dog look like a wolf to you?”, “Hey, that cloud looks like a tree!”, or “Wow, I thought that rock was a person for a moment there” have been known to produce the required results. The reasons why a heterosexual will give up its gold if convinced in this way is unclear, as is why they have a secret pile of gold in the first place.
Homosexuality
They can often be found in shallow caves, under bridges, and in the attic spaces of buildings. At dawn, they glide from their perches to the ground, where they run to the nearest large body of water to float for the day. At nightfall, they repeat the process in reverse – swimming backwards out of the water, running backwards to their perch, and gliding backwards to their lofty sleeping space. Quite how they manage to glide upwards has not been established, but research is ongoing.
Bisexuality
 |
| The perfect habitat for a bisexual |
The most common of all the orientations that are attracted to more than one gender, they have an interesting ability to unhinge their jaw, which is both irrelevant and unhelpful because their diet is exclusively air and seawater. Occasionally a bisexual can be weaned onto fresh water, which is obviously more helpful as they can then live away from coastlines, but nobody has produced consistent results. Sometimes someone will try to convince you that a bisexual person is a myth - this is a lie put about by my competitors in the reference guide market; bisexuals are entirely real. When angered they raise the feathers on their heads up. Author's Note: Don't make them angry.
Asexuality
As my old granddad used to say, “if it ain’t purple, it ain’t ace”. Well, technically he never said that, but I’m sure he would be saying it if he was reading this helpful guide. Asexuals are skilled at espionage, and can often be found on underground and subway lines reading newspapers over their fellow passengers’ shoulders. Every asexual has three feet, and is understandably quite annoyed about it.
Pansexuality
 |
| A group of pansexuals, or just a public library? You decide |
Moderately rare. When they stand still they are almost completely indistinguishable from a full bookshelf (photographs indicate that the books are primarily non-fiction, seemingly centred on Dewey Decimal System classification 306.7). Be careful about trying to identify suspected pansexuals, as all too often the amateur spotter can become overly excited about spotting such a rare person and not checked appropriately. Unfortunately this has resulted in many amateur spotters being forcefully evicted from libraries. In such a case, I am required by my lawyers to inform you that I cannot be held responsible for any lawsuits held against you for public disturbances in libraries.
Polysexuality
They appear to wander through life in a constant state of bemusement at their love of cheese. Not bemusement at why they like it so much, but bemusement at the way that nobody else seems to have got involved in (what scientists call) the Great Cheese Phenomenon.
Demisexuality
Do not, under any circumstances, startle a demisexual. They are easily bribed into giving you information with cheesecake, and are used as informants by members of the public. They often have long, fluffy ears. Do not startle. They roost upside-down, primarily, and appear at each full moon to partake in their traditional dance – something historians have traced the origins of the dance right back through to the 14th Century. It is said that if their left ear is pointed due North then they are able to control the weather. Definitely on the list of things to not startle.
Trans*
 |
| A local road will often, but not always, be devoid of floating trans* people |
A trans* person is covered in yellow stripes from head to toe. Don’t ask me why, I’m sure scientists know but they’ve stopped answering my calls. Friendly and approachable, they are gifted with an unusual ability to float in mid-air, and many have taken to pranking locals by floating in the centre of roads. This has the double effect of causing minor disturbances in the centre of towns, and also of starting any resident demisexuals. Which, if I may reiterate, is not advised. Trans* people are also bestowed with a unique ability to ignore any such public disturbances.
Genderqueer
Rare. Like a trans* person, they have the ability and drive to float in the centre of local roads. Unlike trans* people they don’t have to ability to ignore someone shouting at them, and so most genderqueer people are easily found in the less stressful environment of the local coffee shop or library. Of course, it is this sort of habits that mean that an amateur spotter like yourself can often find genderqueer people perched on top of pansexual people, and this is very - oh no, my mistake, sorry that’s just a bookcase.
Well, that is the crash course for the most common sexual and gender orientations. I hope you enjoyed it, and maybe one day you too can become almost as good at the trade as I am!
Follow @FRW
