Long Distance Love - Beating the Odds

Tell your friends that you're in a long distance relationship, and they'll either ask you how cyber-sex works, or tell you it isn't going to last.

Tell your family, and they think it’s just some stupid phase/it's not real/you're just trying to get more time on the computer without having to leave your room.

Google "long distance relationships", and the first link to come up is an article titled "10 Reasons Why Long-Distance Relationships Just Don't Work."

And the truth? They do work- you just have to put in the effort.


Dudes and dudettes, as you may or may not know, I have been in a long distance relationship for eight months and six days. My partner and I knew each other before I moved to Australia, and finally acted on our mutual crush on the second of April, this year.

We started off with a long, detailed discussion about whether or not we should try it. We both had experience with watching the LDRs of others, which hadn't worked out, and as much as we liked each other, we were incredibly cautious in deciding to do it. 

As time went on, we got to know each other even better. We Skype, phone each other, run a borderline inactive blog together, and have a facebook message history of over 22000 messages. I speak for myself when I point out that my friends always know if I'm on the phone to zir, and have taken to bringing our relationship up whenever I'm having a bad day, because it always makes me smile. 

As well as being long distance, our relationship is neither same-sex or opposite. My partner, Rowan, identifies as genderfluid, while I identify as female. Each of us receive numerous questions regarding our relationship (as if it's on display for the world, or something) but we're very, very lucky to be surrounded by an incredibly supportive group of friends and family.

And all of the above, are reasons why articles like the one mentioned make me pretty darn annoyed.

Discovery Health's first point, tells us that there is no way of properly communicating with your SO if you are separated by distance.
This is untrue. In this day and age, we have Skype, Facetime, Google Hangouts, Tinychat, Facebook, phone calls, texts, apps like Pair (quite possibly the sweetest relationship communication app you could think of), and much, much more. If you give your relationship a chance, you can still have date nights, sleepovers, watch movies together (with screenshare or otherwise), and much more. You could be one of those couples who are constantly 'together' by Skype or Facetime, or you could be one who give each other their own space. Long distance can work for everyone, if you try.

Their second point, is titled "A Murky Future". It (pessimistically) explains that because you don't live in the same zip code, your lives must be very different.

Liv can't draw geographically correct Australias.
Also not a true representation of all personalities
in Western Australia.

This is also untrue. You don't have to live next door to someone to have similar personalities. In fact, the idea that you might have things in common with someone on the other side of the world, must be completely preposterous to the writer of this article. Often when you meet someone online who you start to crush on, you've met somewhere doing something that you both enjoy. You have mutual interests, and things to talk about. The mere idea that someone is too closed minded to see that there are similarly minded people scattered all around the world, is ridiculous. I wonder what happens if the author meets someone on the other side of the world, online, with the same misguided idea as him. Another thing this section suggests, is that your lives are so different that that's why you live in different places. Like, as if school and money and work and families aren't an issue. Packing up and leaving your home to be in the same place as your SO right from the start, is no different to starting a relationship in person and moving in with the person straight away. It doesn't happen. There's the whole (old fashioned term alert!) "courtship" phase of a relationship, where you're getting to know each other. Add in distance, and by the time you get to see one another, you're not only in love, but you're best friends!

The next section is titled "The Zip Code Rule". And, it asks a question we all must really want to know the answer to (that was sarcasm)- is it still cheating if the person you're cheating with is in a different zip code to your SO?
Obviously, the answer is yes. A committed long term relationship doesn't work if you're unfaithful. And yeah, the distance can be lonely as hell. You spend days curled up in a ball wishing that your SO was there with you, craving the end of that distance- but from personal experience? It's more of a need for the presence of your SO, than a craving for intimacy.
If you would go to someone else in replacement for your SO, maybe the relationship isn't going to work. You need to seriously consider this before starting one.

The fourth section is the first part of the article that I have seen, which admits that healthy long-distance relationships are possible. It's titled "Lack of Trust".

Long distance needs trust. In fact, trust is an incredibly important factor in all relationships. Long distance shouldn't be a spur of the moment type thing- you need to know them well enough before you begin. There are so many cases where someone finds out that their long distance lover is actually fake, or where the relationship breaks down because it had very little trust to begin with.
But this is not to say that they are impossible. It's about taking a leap- and maybe, they turn out to be a keeper.

Fifth, and halfway through this article's ranting; Cost.

I'm not going to lie- this is a major, major issue in long distance. Plane tickets are expensive, not to mention international phonecalls etc.
I'm lucky enough to be returning to New Zealand and seeing Rowan in just under 34 days, but only because my family are returning on holiday to see family. Both of us are saving for trips, but 8 months later and we aren't even close. 

Money is a factor that really needs to be taken into account right at the start. You need to be smart about when you close the distance- not too often, not too far apart. Perhaps it's cheaper for you both to meet halfway, or you need to pay close attention to when plane tickets are on sale. Either way, closing the distance is very expensive, and if you know you can't do it, you really need to consider whether or not this will be a sustainable relationship.

Sixth; "Time vs Returns". The article states that long distance relationships are too time consuming.

This is a load of rubbish. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, and it really matters to you, putting aside even an hour a day is simple enough. Send a little text in your downtime, schedule time each week for date night, write letters every so often. It's not rocket science, and you don't need to dedicate your entire life to it. Communication may be imperative in a long distance relationship, but in no normal relationship would you need to spend every day obsessing over one another. You are allowed to have your own lives too. And if you're short on time for a task or assignment, but you want to see each other? Video chat while you work- you might just even be able to help each other.

Seventh on our list of reasons why long distance relationships just do not work; "Prelude to a Breakup".

This suggests that if you break a couple apart and make them live in two different regions, it will make them get disinterested in the relationship as they obtain their own lives.
I can see how this might happen, but I also fail to understand why this should be a definite. Yes, so many couples break up when they move apart. But so many make it through, even stronger than before. They learn new things about each other, while living their own lives. And each person grows in their personalities as they have new experiences. Couples don't have to be constantly side by side doing the same thing- they can hang out with their own friends, or have their own hobbies. And at the end of the day, they still have each other, distance or not.

This is not how you build a house, Mr Stick Figure.

The eighth factor suggested by the article, reads "Different Expectations". It says that different people want different things in the relationship.

Isn't this true also to non-LDRs? When this happens, it shows a lack of communication. Being open and discussing these things is crucial to keeping the relationship alive, and if you expect to make it through without this, you may as well be throwing bricks in a pond and expecting them to build a house on the hill behind it.

Ninth, and second last: Separation Issues.
I said it once, and I'll say it again; if you know you won't be able to handle a relationship, you really shouldn't be in one. Sometimes these issues pop up a few months in- and if you aren't open about them, they will more than definitely affect your relationship. Long distance is most definitely not for everyone; it takes patience, dedication and persistence. But even if they don't last, they can still be rewarding. 

And finally, the article's last point. "Life Goes On."

This section, again, demonizes a part of long distance relationships which is apparent in non-LDRs, too. It claims that two people in a relationship can just grow apart.

This does happen, but it's not exclusive to long distance, and it can be repairable. It draws on the idea of the older generation, and their mentality of "fix it if it's broken". Younger society just doesn't put the effort in to fix these things anymore, and in any relationship, this skill can be key. 

This article was written incredibly pessimistically, and adds to the stigma that long distance is "stupid" and doesn't work out. But, as I and so many others are proving, it can work. There will be days where you're too distracted by loneliness to function, and moments where you will wind up crying as you type a message to your SO because you're that desperate to be in the same place. But at the end, when you close that distance? You remember that this is a person who is worth your fighting for. In the end, you have each other's hearts, and the pain is so much duller with that knowledge.