Anyone who is different - whether due to their sexual orientation, their gender, their appearance, or what have you - can relate to the feelings of alienation. There is some horror in looking around the world, at your friends and family and neighbor, at the strangers on television or those people you vaguely know on facebook, and seeing others easily obtaining, and taking for granted, what you can only yearn for. It's like sitting silently as the world spins around you, things happening, goals being reached, happiness abound, all these things flying beyond you, and all you can do is watch as you are passed over.
The past few weeks have been extremely busy in my social circle. A few of my friends have been going on dates, my roommate has been bringing his more-than-friend over lately, my best friend got a steady girlfriend, and, with marriage equality now a thing in Maine, wedding bells are chiming for two of my friends. I'm a surrounded by others seeking and obtaining companionship. And while I am so, so happy for them, their happiness is a reminder of what I cannot have. It's a reminder that I cannot easily find a partner, that finding someone for me in this city is nearly impossible, that I have a very large chance of being very alone for a very long time.
One of the most basic things I, as an asexual woman, cannot easily have is a fulfilling relationship. I say fulfilling because a relationship is something I can have; I can go on OKCupid and look at the thousands of listings for Portland, find someone I am at least partially compatible with, and go on a date with them. But I will not be fulfilled. I am not genuinely compatible with any person in the Portland listings (trust me, I know; I've checked). I can pick any man, woman, or non-binary individual on that site, and, regardless of the number of television shows we have in common, regardless if I find them attractive and them me, regardless of our commonalities, my non-sexual, sex-repulsed side prevents me from giving the other person what they truly want and need, and, therefore, prevents us from being fulfilled. One of us will be unhappy: they will either have to sacrifice their sexual desire, or I will have to suffer through acts which I cannot stand. It is simply not something possible or healthy.
Relationships have their ups and downs for everyone, regardless of orientation. I would never argue that I, as an asexual, have it worse than a non-asexual. We all have our sacrifices to make to the relationships gods. But, right now, I cannot see myself being happy with another person. All the people I may be compatible with, purely based on orientation, are so finely dispersed throughout the world that the changes of just happening upon another asexual is nearly an impossible fantasy, a fantasy I will not rely on. I cannot attempt to trick myself into believing that I will meet another asexual person by chance; statistically it will not happen. No, if I wish to have a partner, I must openly seek them out. I must search for someone, someone who has the chance of living half-way across the planet.
The Internet has tricked us into believing that we are all close, all within reach. But we are not. The people I talk with daily on tumblr or facebook might live down the street, or they might live across the city, or they might live four states away, or they might live three oceans away. We are not as available as cyberspace insinuates. So a person I meet online and fall in love with might not even be an option for me to be with. There are very real logistical obstacles preventing my from obtaining a partner. And while I cannot say for sure that I will never meet another asexual at the coffeeshop two blocks from my apartment, I can say I will not hold my breath.
I'll admit it: I'm lonely. Such a simple word, but one that currently defines me. I am lonely. I feel alone, and I feel like I will be that way for a very long time. Something that so many people can easily have (partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers), is something I truly want. I want to love another person, be devoted to another person, have another person love me, be devoted to me. I know I can sustain myself alone, be "okay" being alone, live life alone. But I know I will not be truly happy in solitude.
I want a companion to go through life with. It's something so many people have, something people take as an obligate to existence, but it is something I truly want, truly need to not feel so alone. It is something I need to be reminded I am not the only person who is asexual, I am not the only person with these experiences. That, yes, I am different, but I have another person who understands me.
If I only had that one person, it would be so much easier.
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