YOU GUYS THEY'RE ON TO US

Pictured: The author with the Gay Illuminati

Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereof and none of the above, I am writing to you in dire circumstances. Our candidate, the puppet president Barack Obama may have won (or stolen) this election from the righteous god-fearing challenger Mitt Romney, but I tell you that our people are in danger. The breeders are getting wise, my friends, and if we don't do something, our plan to subvert the Constitution and bring about the reign of the Antichrist may be brought to nothing yet. It's almost too horrible to say, yet it is my duty to inform you that...they know. They know everyone's born straight and that we turn them gay. What's more, they have discovered our sleeper cells in their schools, slowly turning their children gay. We could yet lose the Culture War.

The Advocate, our modern answer to Pravda,  reported today that one of our agents, a teacher named Juliet Hibbs, was investigated for...turning a student gay. The story, as well as our Historical Revision Team has given us, is this: After our Lesbian Conversion Agency lured this Florida student from the arms of Straight Republican Jesus and onto the path of wickedness and comfortable shoes, the young lady saw it fit to share with the world (read: her personal Twitter feed) her new passion. The young ne'er-do-well's step-father happened upon this revelation, and decided to bring his charge back onto the right path. By that, I mean that the stepfather decided it would be a good idea to berate, bully, and belittle a teen-aged girl over Twitter. You know, manly and courageous-like.

Where does the teacher fall into this? Well, Ms. Hibbs couldn't bear to watch her student's soul be saved through the power of emotional abuse, so she had the nerve to report the step-father for child abuse and cyber-bullying. How dare she! I mean, it's not like teachers are required by law to report harassment on the part of parents or anything.

"Yep, nothing in this stack of papers requires it. And my beard is just as good as a J.D., so I'm legit."

The parents did get a laugh in, because they promptly reported Ms. Hibbs for misconduct, touching off this giant investigation. How do ya like them now? See, the new convert's parents at first were enraged that they had not been warned of their daughter's "condition" until it was far too late and her lesbianism had metastasized, becoming incurable. They feel that it was well within their parental rights to be given the in-depth knowledge of the gender of the participants in their daughter's sexual fantasies. You know, by a schoolteacher. It's actually part of the job description. "Tattling to students' parents about shit that they don't have to know" is right there between "Cover the objectives in the state-approved curriculum" and "Slowly leech students of any inborn curiosity or joie de vivre".

I don't blame you for not slogging through this shit, but you'll have to trust me, it's there.

Finally, the parents made the only rational conclusion that could be drawn under these circumstances. Clearly this teacher's refusal to allow a girl in her charge to be bullied and belittled over the internet by a grown-ass man is a clear, irrefutable confession of guilt. She did it! Juliet Hibbs turned that girl gay! And although the investigation was closed, both us gay heathen radicals and god-loving True Believers know the truth. One doesn't simply become gay. Not to mention the fact that Ms. Hibbs is no longer teaching at Deerfield Beech High. She cites things like "hostile work environment" and "administrative harassment" and "health concerns", but everyone knows that she's just biding her time until her liaisons with the Queer Brethren spirit her away to our headquarters in an undisclosed location somewhere along the Pacific Coast.

Who do I think I'm kidding? Y'all know where HQ is.

Shit's gotten real, y'all. While the strongest, most valiant fighters against our oppressive gayness have long recognized that schools are liberal re-education camps, most people thankfully ignored these brave speakers of truth to power as "lunatics" or "ideologues" or "what the fuck is wrong with you people". But here is one brave principal that is bringing back the time-honored yet almost extinct tradition of firing/suspending the shit out of anyone who dares to breathe the word "tolerance". Those were the good old days, the heyday of America. Back then bald eagles would cry tears of pure patriotism and Ronald Reagan roamed free through the tamed American plains. Back in the day, the forces of breeder-dom had their boot firmly planted in our face, as it should be, and all was well in the country. But we rose, terrible in our camp, and now hold America in thrall to our fabulous tyranny.

The administrators of Deerfield High stand poised to threaten our amoral reign. Soon their defiance may start a populist revolt that will sweep away all the progress we've made and place the American people firmly in the camp of True Morality once again.

Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereof, and none of the above, keep an eye on Deerfield High.