During my experiences as a "social justice" blogger, I have faced all sorts of questions and confusion regarding asexuality. I more or less know what to expect, and am hardly phased anymore at even the most absurd question. I know most people will be new to the concept of asexuality, slightly confused, and even a tad skeptical. Which is okay. It's okay to question things or to be curious or hesitant. Skepticism is okay, all that matters is that you have an openness to learning and a willingness to let others live as they see fit.
Whether stemming from confusion or skepticism, I've heard all the questions, even some which may be a tad ignorant, maybe even a bit rude. Most of the "rude" parts of the questions simply go to not understanding the lingo of gender and sexual minorities. Which is fine! I'm here to teach, and what might be hurtful to me if not intended as so by the uneducated asker. I'm not expecting every person who talks to me to have a PhD in sexuality studies, and I'm not going to get offended if someone asks me a question out of genuine confusion. As I've said, it's the openness to learning and accepting that matters, not your prior knowledge.
But while I've been asked and have answered many outlandish and personal things without batting an eyelash, there are a few common questions which make me stop and think: who the hell would think that is an okay thing to ask anyone?
From my personal experience, I've compiled a few commonly asked yet completely inappropriate things you just don't ask of a person you just met who is opening up about their asexuality:
- Don't ask them if they were sexually abused as a child. At what point in your life were you taught it was okay to blatantly question someone about sexual abuse or rape? There are some things you simply do not question or ask unprompted, and a person being asexual doesn't suddenly give you the ability to forget every semblance of common courtesy you have been taught. If you wouldn't ask a heterosexual person if they were raped, don't ask someone of another orientation. And if you would ask a heterosexual person out of the blue if they were raped, stop doing that.
- Don't ask them if they are ill or have a hormonal defect. A person's medical history is absolutely none of your business, and it has nothing to do with their sexuality or the sexuality of any person. Asking this implies you think asexuality is an illness. A bit not good. And by a bit I mean absolutely not okay in any stretch of the imagination.
- Don't ask them if they are depressed/bipolar/etc. Once again, a person's mental health is none of your business, and the connection between the two implies you think their orientation is a side effect to something. Sexual orientation are able to stand alone without having a "cause" and a "cure."
- Don't ask someone if they masturbate. This is the number one question I receive and it makes me snicker at the absurdity every time. If a person chooses to open up about this they will, but the fact that so many people instantly jump from ASEXUAL to MASTURBATION makes me a tad confused. I'm going to say it's a general faux pas to question strangers about their masturbation practices. There's no shame in masturbation, but it's not exactly your business until someone makes it so. Yes, asexuals can and may masturbate. No, it is not okay to ask every individual if they do so.
If you don't know if a question is acceptable, simply think, "Is this something I would ask a straight/gay/bisexual person?" If the answer is no, it is most likely not something you should ask an asexual person. Not experiencing sexual attraction does not make a person immune to embarrassment or discomfort. When in doubt, allow the person coming out or discussing their orientation to take the lead and inform you where it is safe to step.
As I said, I'm an open book. I'm willing to answer questions about my hormones and masturbation practices. But simply understand that they put me in a very awkward position where I am forced to consider that you view my sexuality as the "other" which allows these usually off limit questions to seem applicable. Also be aware that not all people are happy to have invasive personal questions regarding their sexual and medical history asked. And can you blame them?
There is no harm in curiosity, but don't allow yourself to forget common courtesy in your confusion. You most likely know what is appropriate and what is going too far. If you're unsure what to ask, simply remain silent and listen. You can't go wrong with listening.
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