New Totally Scientific Facts as Told by the ACL

(S)

News just in – homosexuality (or more specifically gay marriage) is now unhealthier than smoking! Well, it was quite a shock to the system when I first found out about the latest in scientific studies. Many people I know are at risk, I realised! Even I might be at risk - although there has not yet been any word on the relative health problems associated bit being panromantic, I eagerly await the results. I was just amazed that I, with my romantic attraction to people of all genders, could be less healthy than, say, the gentleman to the left, but who am I to say otherwise?

Don’t question the facts, dear readers, this was said by the head of the Australian Christian Lobby, who I’m sure researched his point thoroughly before saying anything. Isn't that the norm when people speak publicly? 

Jim Wallace, head of the ACL, said at the beginning of September: 

“I think we're going to owe smokers a big apology when the homosexual community's own statistics for its health, which it presents when it wants more money for health, are that is has higher rates of drug-taking, of suicide, it has the life of a male reduced by up to 20 years”

He then went on to say that gay marriage “encourages people to be gay”. You know, I’m ashamed to say this, but I completely agree with him. It’s simple logic, dear readers – gay marriage encourages people to be gay, in the same way that aeroplanes encourage people to grow wings and fly, having plants about the place encourage people to start photosynthesising, and eating chocolate encourages people with blue eyes to have brown eyes. 

Shhh, don’t question his logic or intelligence level. 

The most confusing part of most of these anti-gay statements (and similar things have been said in the US, and probably Britain as well) is the assurance by him that “Where gay marriage has been introduced, or civil unions, it hasn't changed the level of suicide”. 

Interestingly enough, Wallace, you’re not allowed to have things both ways. You see, you say that being gay means that you’re more likely to commit suicide. You also say that introducing civil partnerships and marriage equality would encourage people to be gay. Well, if everything you say is true (try to run with me here, readers, I know you’re not used to thinking stupid like this), surely in the places where gay marriage has been introduced, there is a higher gay population, and therefore more suicides? But you said the levels don’t change? Well, surely if the first two points are true (that gay equals more likely to be suicidal and marriage equality creates gays) then the rates of suicide have actually gone down, rather than up? 

Even if it is true (and any reports on it that I could find don’t mention numbers or percentages, so it’s hard to differentiate between, say, Sweden and parts of the US) there’s a simple explanation other than “gay people are just naturally more inclined to suicide”. It could be, and I know this is such a hard concept to grasp Wallace but bear with me, the fact that gay marriage and civil partnerships tend to benefit older gays, rather than teens. Unfortunately, QUILTBAG teenagers are more likely to commit suicide. 

Like I said before, a number of church officials and right-wing homophobes have cited the high rates of depression and suicide as reasons why homosexuality is an “unhealthy lifestyle” but usually they don’t think about it beyond “well because gay, right?” It’s getting confusing to see who believes being gay is a choice and who doesn’t, because for some reason certain people hold the view that it is a choice and at the same time they accept that gay people (especially younger people) are more likely to be driven to suicide. Why would people choose a lifestyle that apparently makes them more depressed and suicidal? 

I say “apparently” there because being gay doesn’t make you depressed. No, society’s views towards gay people can make you depressed. Views like Wallace’s, where he said that: “The life of smokers is reduced by something like seven to 10 years and yet we tell all our kids at school they shouldn't smoke.” 

Wallace wondering why people don't invite him to parties (S)

Funnily enough, I don’t remember homosexuality causing cancer. I must have missed that memo. I also missed the memo that the poor smokers are born with a cigarette in their hand and had absolutely no choice over the matter of whether they smoked or not. How could I be so insensitive? 

I mean, fair enough that people who smoke should be allowed to smoke, if they really want to, but let’s not try and pretend that it’s the same level as being gay. People can stop smoking. People can’t exactly stop being gay (unless you believe certain “gay cure” groups, which personally I don’t). 

Look on the bright side though, any reader who feels let down by the ACL. Wallace made these comments in a discussion to the leader of the Green Party in Australia, Christine Milne, who responded by saying that discrimination in society lead to an increase of health problems in the gay community. 

Wallace replied with the traditional cool demeanour and rational argument so characteristic of the right wing: He claimed that the Greens cared more about trees than about children, and that gay rights activists are “bullying” people into accepting marriage equality. 

She, quite understandably, reacted poorly to this. 

Then, a week later, Anglican Archbishop of Sydney Peter Jensen said that he fully supported Wallace and the ACL’s stance on the matter. Australian Marriage Equality national convener Alex Greenwich released a statement saying the Archbishop had “lost his moral bearings”. 

The cherry on top of the whole negative publicity debacle the ACL is now facing came from a higher position than the AME. That’s right, the Prime Minister of Australia. Julia Gillard said Wallace’s comments were ‘heartless and wrong’ and cancelled her keynote appearance at ACL's annual conference.

The only thing that could possibly make the ACL feel more snubbed would be if the head of state (that’s Queen Elizabeth, for those who don’t know these things) jumped out of a helicopter into the middle of the conference in order to call Wallace a prat. She could do it, you know. I'm betting on it happening.