Stereotyping the Straight

Gareth Thomas, gay Welsh rugby player.
Come and tell him he's feminine, I dare you (S)

A lot of people online and in real life have a very set definition of what people from each sexual minority look like. You know the stereotypes, I’m sure – and as someone I talked to put it, “all stereotypes are based on fact”.

Which is why all gay men are extremely effeminate, all lesbian women are masculine, all bisexuals can only have threesomes, and all asexuals are heartless. Right.

 Wow that was painful to write, mostly because these are actual stereotypes people have. All of them can be rather easily proven false – but for some reason, instead of deciding that they must be wrong if they meet someone that doesn’t fit the stereotype, some people decide that they just cannot be gay/lesbian/bi/ace/pan/get-your-face-out-of-my-business-I-mean-seriously.

I’ve known a few people that have been told “oh, you can’t be a lesbian because you have long hair!” Well, I never knew that different hair length to the majority of your gender was related to orientation but apparently this person (who is clearly an expert in social sciences) is more informed than I. Has anyone told the Amish?

Never a bad time to look at Wilde (S)

Interestingly enough, the stereotype of gay men is actually based on a real guy – one Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde. For those who have been camping out underneath rocks for the past century, Wilde was Very Gay. Capital letters were very much needed there – he was a writer and a playwright, and far from shy about his orientation. When asked in court if he had kissed a certain man, he replied “oh, dear no. He was a particularly plain boy – unfortunately ugly – I pitied him for it.” Wilde was arguably the first exposure the public had to homosexuality and, unfortunately, his flamboyance has been perpetuated and exaggerated until that is all people seem to be able to think about when they think of gay men.

History lesson over, I think I can help you all! Yes, here I am detailing “How to be Straight”. Don’t forget, all you stereotypers, if there’s only one type of gay person then there is sure as hell only one type of straight person.

Let’s take the two greatest straight people ever to have lived – Mitt Romney and Megan Phelps-Roper. Okay they’re definitely not the greatest, but I think they’re severely underrated. For any readers that don’t know (do you not get Internet reception under that rock? I mean you didn’t know Oscar Wilde either), Mitt Romney is the head of the Republican Party in the US – particularly well known for tying his dog to the roof of his car and going for a drive, and also for pinning down a boy with long hair with a group of his mates and hacking most of it off with scissors, while shouting homophobic insults. Phelps-Roper is part of the Westboro Baptist Church. You know, crazy people, hold up homophobic signs, barely able to form a coherent sentence unless it’s fewer than five words? Those lot? Yeah.

If the people that stereotype are allowed to only look at our most vocal gay man (well, not so vocal these days, but you know what I mean), then surely we can look to their most vocal friends?

So, how to look like Megan Phelps-Roper, or how to look like Mitt Romney. Good choice, right? Don’t say I don’t treat you right, readers. I’ve collected a few choice pictures so you can act as straight as you like. Remember, the more you stereotype, the more able you are to point at people and reference their clothes, their hair, or their demeanour and say “ha! You can’t be straight! Why aren’t you wearing a suit?” 

For Romney you will need:

I have a theory that if you see him this close,
he is but seconds away from attacking

• Short hair, slicked back.
• A suit, preferably black.
• A slightly queasy smile.
• A whole ton of money.
• Mittens (optional)
• Homophobia (required)

Feel free to mix and match, everyone! This is your Romney you are making, after all. Just remember to get that authentic Romney look, you need to have complete contempt for anyone with less money than you.

Oh, and don't forget if you try lemonade to have a suitably robotic and factually correct answer - you don't want anyone to confuse you for an intelligent human being, now do you?

As for Phelps, the list is as follows: 

She'd probably attack you too but that's because she's a nutcase

  

• Sunglasses.
• Long curly hair.
• Casual clothing
  
• Various signs.
• Your children - remember, human shields are a-okay as long as you're doing "God's work"!
• Complete confidence in your convictions, no matter how idiotic.
• Homophobia (required)

Again, this is your own choice, so ensure to personalise your own design. Just remember, whatever you do, that the Westboro Baptist Church thinks that everyone is going to Hell. The closer you get to her particular brand of cult, mob-mentality, barely-educated homophobia the closer you are to appearing truly straight!

Either way, just remember that your enemies are the Anti-Christ, you need to get all the screen time on TV as possible, you need to get as many donations from your supporters as possible, and the ultimate rule of being straight: be homophobic!

Now a few readers will be wondering if I actually think these things. Do I think that to be straight you must be homophobic and/or a complete basket case? Do I really think that an entire group of people can be reduced down to a single one-size-fits-all stereotype? No, I don't. To anyone that reduces a man's orientation down to whether they have a lisp or not, or a woman's down to whether they have short hair, you're doing something very similar to what I did in this post. Think about it for a bit, ok?