Our evil plot to subvert the Constitution and desecrate the natural order is coming along swimmingly, ladies, gentlemen, variations thereof, and none of the above.* Our infiltration into the highest echelons of American consciousness is nearly complete. We have plucked another hapless soul from the very arms of Straight Republican Jesus and pulled him into the gay lifestyle. I am talking of course about the wonderful reporter Anderson Cooper.
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| Another one bites the dust (source cnn.com) |
Yes, those of you among us who prefer males are free to swoon over our latest catch. The Silver Fox is ours, and according to our demonic scientific psychological propaganda, always has been. Andrew Sullivan of the Daily Beast teased this oh-so-shameful confession out of his friend:
The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.
I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don't think it's anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don't give that up by being a journalist.
Salacious, no? The strategy should be obvious, even to you newbies. It's all very well to have public caricatures of gay men. No, not merely "feminine" gays who are just as capable as the next guy. Those guys are hell-fodder. I mean full-on maddening flouncing shrieking queens a la Albin Mougeotte in "La Cage Aux Folles". Straight Republican Jesus seems okay with that for his followers' entertainment.
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| I steadfastly refuse to believe that any real gay man can be this fucking annoying. |
Likewise, it is perfectly moral to make sure that young people's only conception of lesbians is that of the bulky, rabid, short-haired wildebeest, her dykey rage instantly castrating every male within 50 miles, her thick, powerful muscles glistening in the sun as she plows the earth with her bare hands, much as she will later plow through her willing lover...
Um. Sorry. Lost my train of thought. Ah, let me collect my thoughts...
Oh, yeah. And let's not have young questioning folk have any other figures on the gender/sexual orientation/romantic spectrum to look up to. Let's just pretend those guys don't exist.
Anderson Cooper's decision to come out of the glass closet is a victory for us. Let us have a clear-headed, rational participant in national discourse. When straights ask us if all of us fit into the stereotypes they propagate, let us point to the hard-nosed, coldly appraising journalist, reporting from the midst of war and anarchy, risking life and limb to shed some light on the world. This is not a world Albin Mougeotte can handle. Mr. Cooper's identity as a gay man, unlike professional idiot Perez Hilton or other such annoying hacks, does not prefix itself to every other modifier about him. Instead, he is a capable journalist who is gay, like political commentator Rachel Maddow, who is gay.
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| Had to fit her in here somewhere. You know, sick obsession and all. |
This idea to get famous people and thinkers out of their closets is the greatest result of our plotting and planning. It is the cornerstone of our terrifying and demonic goal to have us recognized as human beings.
*Sorry for the America-centrism of this article, but as you all know, the rest of the world is already Satan's playground, shared by terrorists, dictators, and socialists.
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