A Small Gender Story

(s)

Long story short, I had an amazing night. Thanks for asking. Went to Gender Failure, something put on by my university starring Ivan Coyote and Rae Spoon. Both are trans* people and they talked and sang and it was moving and this isn't doing it justice. Which is why this blog won't be about it. Because I can't perfectly describe it. Sorry. But this will be similar, both Ivan and Rae talked about their gender problems and gender awakenings that moment of “hey..I don't identify as this even thought I'm born in this body” kind of thing and well.. here's mine.





Start at the beginning.

I grew up with the two boys next door. And my boy friend from school. So I had male influence. We played in the mud, with toy cars, wrestled all of that stuff. But they somehow knew I was a bit different from the start and weren't quite as rough with me. Which I suppose I appreciate. So I had a mix of Barbies and toy cars growing up and that was fine.

It was all fine until high school happened. I think now is a good time as any to confess and say what you won't believe. I Kal Hubert, was a popular kid in high school. Earth shattering I know. A dork like me popular. Gaspeth.

Y'know in Titanic when Rose gets all upset by her family and wants to commit suicide by jumping off the back of the boat because she was forced to act a certain way? Yeah. That sums it up. Preppy, bitchy, selfish and so so..anything-not-cis-phobic.

Maybe not all popular kids are, but these ones were. One in particular. One I grew up with. Names will not be disclosed so we're calling her Marci. Because I like that name. Marci McFadden. Why not.

So Marci McFadden was popular and we grew up together so I ended up in that group too. But I didn't like make-up and tight fitting clothes and fancy shoes and hair all nice and done up. And boys? What's that. Of course I didn't know what asexual was or that I was genderqueer. I thought I was straight and cis. Hah. Nope.

Questioning my sexuality and gender didn't really come up until grade 10. I don't like pink. Pink implies female and girly and I am none of that. That colour is tainted in my mind now. Pink is preppy and girly and loves boys and just not me. But the one thing that was pink that I owned was a pen. Buy a set of pink pens and $.37 goes to breast cancer research. Why not. So I made the joke in class to Marci McFadden that this pink pen was the only pink thing I owned.

“You are such a lesbian.”

That was what she said. It wasn't her asking if I was a lesbian or if I preferred girls. It was a put-down. An absolute put-down. And I was in class so I didn't want to start a scene, but I wanted to lecture her. How can a pen have a sexual orientation? How can a pen reflect myself? But I didn't.

“Why don't you wear make-up? You're such a boy.” That wasn't the next thing that she said, but it was something she did say at a later point. A boy and a lesbian.

Another girl, Tina Tutter (again not her real name, but we'll use this) pointed to a gay/straight alliance poster on the school wall and said I should go there. As in only losers go there. She was joking, I know she meant it lightly, but I previously wanted to go. But I never did from this.

And I never talked about this to anyone. I cut my hair to a bob, starting hanging out with good friends, in grade 12, yes, it took four years for this to happen, I started hanging out with good people. Not popular people anymore. These guys were dorks. Like you could not get dorkier or farther away from the popular table at lunch. We didn't have a table, we sat on the floor outside of the cafeteria. And that was okay. I still never mentioned my gender insecurities or sexual orientation insecurities either, but they accepted me with no questions asked, so how could I complain.

In university, I cut my hair shorter. Short hair, mostly boyish clothing. I think I'd be called “butch” if that's still a politically correct term. Apologies if I've offended anyone. And then I came out to a close circle of friends. While we were drunk. I figured it was a good time to do so. And I felt stupid because they thought I was a bit different from the start. From five years earlier when we had first met. But they never said a thing, knowing I'd tell them when I was ready. And I did. And they didn't care. In the caring way. As in, I could be any orientation and they wouldn't be bothered by it.

And I came out a few times. I'm bi! I'm gay. Nope! I'm straight! Oops! I'm gay. For sure gay. But..bi also. I kept sexual orientation hopping for a while until I knew what asexual was. And that was it. The little nook I fit into. Gender was still a mystery and a half, but at least part of it was solved. And it didn't mater. As stated earlier, my friends didn't care. I could be a boy, girl, both, neither, something completely different or in between and it wouldn't matter.

So that's my sexuality and gender story thus far. Some coming out stuff is left for later, but a friend-version anyway. I'm leaving it with a happy ending. Because Gender Failure ended that way too. Not depressing although depressing things had happened. But happy because of what I've learned and experienced. And glowing even because I've learned a few awesome people have gone through the same thing that I have.