Hey everybody, it's Jo here again. I introduced myself last week, and now I will just refresh your memory as I'm still fairly new around here. I'm a bisexual mom of two and am happily married, into the equation. I am living in South Africa, and I have my own business. And, I only discovered late last year, at the advanced age of 36, that I am bisexual. It was like midday in my life when I discovered it, whereas everyone else discovers these things at around 9:30am in their lives. I am still coming to terms with this discovery and getting my mind around it. As I said, I’m happily married and I love my hubby. We have been married for 16 years – our marriage is of the type where we believe you communicate to sort out a problem, you don’t just give up at the first hurdle. So I told him about my bisexuality as soon as I’d worked it out in my mind. He is very accepting of what has happened, but we don’t have an open relationship (and don’t want one), in other words we don’t swing, so experimentation is not an option. As I mentioned last week, one of my primary aims in writing this column is just so that maybe other people who are struggling with the whole bisexuality issue find this and realize it’s normal and okay to feel this way. I do also believe that this discovery and mental process I’ve put myself through have been the making of me as a person. I’m a happier person for having accepted who I am. For the first time in my life I’m able to say I like myself. And if by writing these articles this is something I can help others come to terms with, then this is what the reason I’m writing this is. Anyway, I have a few fairly arbitrary thoughts crossing my mind today: 1) Why do LGBTI folk feel the need to come out of the closet at all? 2) Rejection by friends once you've told them that you're bi, gay, lesbian - or whatever your orientation may be. 3) How to sort out the thoughts in your head.
So let's look at these thoughts a bit more deeply.
1) Why do we 'come out'?It's not as though straight people run around the earth saying "hey everyone, I'm straight,". So why do we feel the need to announce our orientation at all? Are we not, in so doing, enforcing the notion that we are different? In my mind, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I feel that when the day comes that everybody simply accepts everybody else's sexual orientation, then we will be winning the battle against discrimination. Until then, I guess we will keep telling people what our orientation is. But I long for the day when I hear a straight person say, "I went to my parents and they were shocked to hear I'm straight." I think when that day comes, we will know that more of the world are being truly honest with themselves.
2) Rejection by friends and family
So you have this amazing friend, and you've realised that you're not straight. You're nervous about coming out, and for sure you don't know how your parents are going to take the news. You go to your best friend and tell them about it. Possibly, you want to see what the reaction will be from someone close, but not the closest. You’re testing your coming out waters. For some people we are fortunate enough that the best friend will accept the news and continue being our best friend, and give rational and sane advice. But what happens when, after the best friend has heard what you have to say, he or she decides it's time to disappear? Then you're left with all the confusion and questions of your newly awakened sexual orientation, as well as the heartache of your friend running. Your confidence with regards to coming out to someone closer might be knocked, and you might be questioning why you came out at all. The answer to this is important. It's the FRIEND'S FAILING. NOT YOURS. Realising that doesn't ease the heartache. But it does allow you to understand that you did not fail.. all you did was tell the truth. The strength to deal with this comes from inside yourself. Your friend may just need time to rationalize what you’ve told him, or he could have run for another reason. Whatever the case is – you were honest, and keep being so. Sometimes honesty can hurt if the recipient doesn’t like it. It can hurt, but it is always the best policy. This is a cliché, but if enough people tell you it, you start to believe it: If they don’t come back they were never your friend in the first place.
3) So how then do you deal with all these conflicting thoughts in your head?
“I’m bisexual, my friends deserted me, I must suck as a person, they have something going on with them and it’s not me at all,” etc, etc.
This is not an easy question to answer. Sometimes, the thoughts are just so overwhelming that you must cry or hit a punchbag to let them out. But there are other things you can do. If you are creative, let your creative river run. Pour out your confusion and pain into your art - whether it be music, painting, photography, whatever. A lot of created material is simply better because they are done with a passion - which is what occurs when you are emotional. Look at Van Gogh and the quality of work that he produced. There is little doubt that he was a tormented soul and he poured his torment into his work. But what I am driving at is you need that space, that outlet, that time, to BE, to express and to heal. As a teenager, a young adult and into my early 30s, I could not do this. I didn’t think I deserved it. But now I’ve built the confidence up to know that I do.
Now the next suggestion has been said over and over, but EXERCISE. I found the philosophy - just walk until you feel better - works well :-). Cycle, until the thoughts become clearer, swim until you are too tired to worry about thoughts, put the dog on the lead and get out there. The dog will love you more, and you will feel clearer and better.
Something which has worked well for me in dealing with thoughts two and three is to find and hang out with like minded people. Find out if there are any LGBTI groups in your area. One such one is Centre Space, in Johannesburg South Africa. These can be great places for like minded souls to meet and share their adventures, and give and receive advice. As Ernest Hemingway wrote, No Man is an Island, and we need friends to make sense out of our lives.
Perhaps the most important thing is to just let yourself be who you are supposed to be. If it feels like something you are supposed to be doing, just do it. Forget what people will think. Be free and happy.
This is Jo, sharing some thoughts and experiences with you all... over and out until next time!
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