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| (S) |
I’m going to rush straight into my post today and say it immediately – some asexuals have sex.
I know, I know, don’t have a coronary over it. Aces can do those things. It’s ok. If you’re quite squeamish or just don’t want the asexy birds and the bees talk from me, I wouldn’t advise that you read any further. I know a lot of people are going to look at the title of this post and say "haha, I wonder what it's really about?" No, really, it's sex ed. Did I stutter or something?
I know, I know, don’t have a coronary over it. Aces can do those things. It’s ok. If you’re quite squeamish or just don’t want the asexy birds and the bees talk from me, I wouldn’t advise that you read any further. I know a lot of people are going to look at the title of this post and say "haha, I wonder what it's really about?" No, really, it's sex ed. Did I stutter or something?
Also, just as a bit of housekeeping, there is a huge emphasis in this article on the fact that only some asexuals
enjoy sex. Some asexuals do not want sex at all – and that’s okay. This
post may also sometimes slip up (hey, I’m only human) and forget to be
specific when talking about aces having sex when in relationships with
non-asexuals. Not all ace/non-ace relationships involve sex, and if
you’re an allosexual in a relationship with an asexual then don’t just
assume that sex will happen. If you’re an ace in the same situation, I’m
absolutely not telling you that you’re obliged to have sex. As in all
relationships, communication is key.
“But Romilly”, I hear you cry, “I thought asexuals didn’t want sex! Isn’t that the definition of asexuality?”
“But Romilly”, I hear you cry, “I thought asexuals didn’t want sex! Isn’t that the definition of asexuality?”
Put simply, no. Asexuality is characterised by a lack of sexual
attraction to all genders. That definition may have just confused you
further – sexual attraction equals you want sex, right? So no sexual
attraction means you don’t want sex.
Shush for a moment, readers, I’m getting to that bit. The first thing to understand here is that attraction does not equal behaviour (if I had a penny for every time that phrase has been used by aces when arguing with the anti-ace brigade, I’d be able to afford university by now!). In other words having sex with someone does not immediately mean you are sexually attracted to people of that gender. For most entirely straight or gay people, that’s a pretty strange concept, so I’ll use a common example of people arguing that behaviour equals attraction.
Bisexual and pansexual readers, have you ever been asked “yeah, but which gender do you actually like?” Quite a few people look at bisexuals in relationships and say “oh so you were [gay/straight] all along, right?”
Shush for a moment, readers, I’m getting to that bit. The first thing to understand here is that attraction does not equal behaviour (if I had a penny for every time that phrase has been used by aces when arguing with the anti-ace brigade, I’d be able to afford university by now!). In other words having sex with someone does not immediately mean you are sexually attracted to people of that gender. For most entirely straight or gay people, that’s a pretty strange concept, so I’ll use a common example of people arguing that behaviour equals attraction.
Bisexual and pansexual readers, have you ever been asked “yeah, but which gender do you actually like?” Quite a few people look at bisexuals in relationships and say “oh so you were [gay/straight] all along, right?”
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| Cake is still pretty attractive too (S) |
Not quite, Few People. A bisexual can still be a bisexual while in a relationship with one person. This is an example of people assuming that someone’s behaviour (i.e. being in a relationship with someone of, for example, opposite gender) is the same as their attraction, when in fact their attraction is to both genders.
But how is this relevant to asexuals having sex? Well, if attraction isn’t the same as behaviour, then an asexual can have consensual sex with someone, and still not be sexually attracted to them.
Now we get on to what is traditionally the next port of call in this sort of argument – “why would anyone have sex with someone they weren’t sexually attracted to?”
There’s actually a surprising amount of reasons, and I’m sure you’d get as many answers as people asked, but I’m going to go through some of the most common ones.
But how is this relevant to asexuals having sex? Well, if attraction isn’t the same as behaviour, then an asexual can have consensual sex with someone, and still not be sexually attracted to them.
Now we get on to what is traditionally the next port of call in this sort of argument – “why would anyone have sex with someone they weren’t sexually attracted to?”
There’s actually a surprising amount of reasons, and I’m sure you’d get as many answers as people asked, but I’m going to go through some of the most common ones.
- To make your partner(s) feel good.
- Because you have a high libido.
I know I keep involving new definitions of words you might not have heard or thought about much before, but believe me we aces have had a while to perfect this reasoning. Now, sexual attraction is, as you’d probably expect, attraction to people that makes you, well, want sex with them. Libido is a separate thing, which doesn’t decide your level of sexual attraction. Instead, it dictates how much you want sex. Alternatively a good metaphor for it is an “itch”. So libido is how severe the itch is, and sexual attraction is who you want to scratch the itch for you, whether that’s people of the opposite gender, same gender, either gender, all genders, one person, many people, or yourself.
So an ace might have a high libido, and can choose to satisfy it with a partner or partners.
I included that last point in the list of reasons why aces might have sex because, unfortunately, that is a reason why someone may have sex, and it’s something I feel very strongly about.
Why am I making this post, though? Why not leave the sex talk to another, less-asexual member of the FRW team?
Well, reader, I have something to tell you. I am sexually active.
“But how can you be ace and have sex, that’s not how it works! I thought all aces hated sex and looked down on anyone that had sex? What’s going on?!”
Ok, I don’t actually think that you think like that, but it’s always best to disperse all the stereotypes in one go. Yes, I have sex, and I can still identify as asexual. The vast majority of aces are incredibly sex-positive – contrary to popular belief, a sex-repulsed asexual can still be incredibly sex-positive, while still not enjoying sex personally (meaning they believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults).
A small and unfortunately vocal minority of aces are the “wow I’m so superior to everyone else because I think sex is icky” type, but generally those are the aces that jumped on the bandwagon to get away from what they see as a hypersexualised society. One of my favourite quotes on the subject is, “Do I think I'm morally superior? Actually, yes, but that's just personal elitism. I think moral superiority comes naturally to me”, which always makes my lungs hurt from laughter. I just thought I’d share.
For aces that are sexually active, whether in relationships or in more casual arrangements, there often seems to be a “not in our orientation umbrella” attitude from that vocal minority I talked about before. This makes things difficult, especially if the ace in question doesn’t feel pressured into or enjoys sex. So if anyone has questions about relationships or anything in this post that didn’t make sense or you want to talk more about, do feel free to email me or tweet me (or even use our fancy new social networking site to drop me a line).
So an ace might have a high libido, and can choose to satisfy it with a partner or partners.
- Because it feels good.
- Because you’re being pressured into it by society, your partner, the allosexual community, or even the asexual community.
I included that last point in the list of reasons why aces might have sex because, unfortunately, that is a reason why someone may have sex, and it’s something I feel very strongly about.
Why am I making this post, though? Why not leave the sex talk to another, less-asexual member of the FRW team?
Well, reader, I have something to tell you. I am sexually active.
“But how can you be ace and have sex, that’s not how it works! I thought all aces hated sex and looked down on anyone that had sex? What’s going on?!”
Ok, I don’t actually think that you think like that, but it’s always best to disperse all the stereotypes in one go. Yes, I have sex, and I can still identify as asexual. The vast majority of aces are incredibly sex-positive – contrary to popular belief, a sex-repulsed asexual can still be incredibly sex-positive, while still not enjoying sex personally (meaning they believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults).
A small and unfortunately vocal minority of aces are the “wow I’m so superior to everyone else because I think sex is icky” type, but generally those are the aces that jumped on the bandwagon to get away from what they see as a hypersexualised society. One of my favourite quotes on the subject is, “Do I think I'm morally superior? Actually, yes, but that's just personal elitism. I think moral superiority comes naturally to me”, which always makes my lungs hurt from laughter. I just thought I’d share.
For aces that are sexually active, whether in relationships or in more casual arrangements, there often seems to be a “not in our orientation umbrella” attitude from that vocal minority I talked about before. This makes things difficult, especially if the ace in question doesn’t feel pressured into or enjoys sex. So if anyone has questions about relationships or anything in this post that didn’t make sense or you want to talk more about, do feel free to email me or tweet me (or even use our fancy new social networking site to drop me a line).
Follow @FRW
