Straight Friend Crush - The solutions

Dear God, 

Why the straight people? Seriously dude. They can cause so much trouble for us people who are attracted to the same-sex.

I'm writing this because recently I've been feeling really crap because of a straight crush I have had on a friend of mine for quite a few years now.

We've all been there, we've all felt attraction towards that one friend we know it could never possibly work out with, and we've all felt disappointed to say the least. It can hassle us for days, weeks, months or even years before we get over it.

I didn't just feel disappointed and depressed, I felt bad about my sexuality and I felt like a bad friend for keeping my thoughts and feelings about him hidden from him. There's not a lot you can do in a situation like that except feel down and depressed. It's the inevitability of it never, in a million years, going anywhere. But eventually you need to start trying to find a way out of that depression, because no-one can do anything about the way you feel except you. You are the only one that has 'control' over your feelings. You can end it if you want, you just have to try really hard sometimes.

How do we end up with straight crushes?

A straight crush can start in many ways. Probably the most common case of a straight crush is that of one between you and a close friend or friend. This is the hardest one to get over and the trickiest. The more attached you are to a person as a friend and the more you like their personality, the harder it is to break away from feeling attracted to them. You also don't want to tarnish your friendship, so what do you do? You have to make sure you end up not fancying them, but maintain that friendship you have. It's a tricky situation, and we'll take a look at solutions later. Physical appearance can also often play a role in your attraction towards them, though not always. Combine friendship with physical attraction and you've got a very tough case to handle.

Why do we have straight crushes?

Could it be that, because an estimated 10% of the population is gay, we have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up attracted to a gay person and a 9 in 10 chance of falling for someone straight? Could it be that there's something appealing about the straight person? That a straight person is some kind of "forbidden fruit" (no sexual innuendos intended *facepalm*)? The reasons are endless and often different depending on the situation, because we're talking about people here, complex beings with their own minds and thoughts. There's not explanation for everything when it comes to cases like these.

Straight crushes only get reinforced and only get worse when we start spotting 'signs' our friend might be gay or bisexual. You need to remember that just the same way there are masculine and feminine people in the gay community, there are masculine and feminine people in the straight community too. Don't jump to conclusions. Just because their voice or their laugh might not 'sound straight', it doesn't make them gay. Stereotypes are a pain and assumptions are dangerous.

Should I tell my straight friend I have a crush on them?

"Why would you want to?" is a question that pops to mind, although I understand why you might want to tell them. Sometimes it's just to get that weight off your shoulders to be able to move on and feel less awkward. This is up to you and it's a decision for you to make. You know the person better than anyone who can give you advice on the internet, know that. There are, however, some factors you need to take into account when deciding on whether to tell them or not.

1. Are you out to them as gay, lesbian or bisexual?
   This can make a difference. If you have been out to them for a while, and they haven't said anything to you about their orientation being anything but straight, then the chances are they are straight. If they weren't, they would have nothing to hide and would feel comfortable coming out to you. If you aren't out to them, try coming out to them but don't mention the fact you're attracted to them. Once you're out, the rest of this advice applies.
   
   
2. Would your friend be freaked out by you telling them you're attracted to them?
   In some cases the answer will be 'yes', in others 'no'. Again, you know your friend better than I do, so you have a better idea of what the answer might be than me. If you think your friend would handle it well, then tell them if you want. Sometimes it can make your friendship stronger (without necessarily lead onto a relationship, especially if they are straight), in other cases it has the potential to ruin your friendship entirely. You are risking your friendship in telling them you're attracted to them. If you think they'll be okay with it then you might grow closer as friends, but get that fantasy of a relationship out of your head right now in any case!
   
   
3. Have they shown interest or curiosity in the same sex in the past?
   If they have, and you're willing to put your friendship on the line, then you could tell them. In this case there's a 50:50 chance something will go wrong if you tell them and a 100% chance you'll be left thinking about it longer if you don't.

What are the chances of my friend coming out to me as bisexual or gay, or telling me they fancy me too, when I tell them I fancy them?

Get a reality check first. There's a very slim chance of this happening, and just because it might have happened to someone somewhere on the internet, it doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. You can't predict what your friend will say or do when you tell them you have the hots for them, and you can't control what they think or feel. There's no way to 'turn a straight person gay', just the same way as there's no way to 'turn a gay person straight'. At the end of the day it's your friendship to risk, not mine. It's entirely up to you, just be aware of the possible consequences.

You might know of Will and RJ on YouTube. When they first met, RJ was dating girls but Will asked him out anyway. RJ accepted and now they're in a relationship that has been going for over two years at this point. But here's why this has no relevance in this situation. They weren't close friends when Will asked RJ out. He didn't have much to lose to begin with, and only a lot to gain. This is very different to telling a close "straight" friend that you fancy them. Here's their story anyway.

Again, this is very, very rare and Will's advice in the second half of the video should only apply if you're not worried about ruining an existing friendship.


So that's it. That's about all I've got. These are the possible outcomes, and that last one is very rare and shouldn't really be tried on a close friend unless you're absolutely willing to risk your entire friendship. Some straight people would be freaked out, others not, it's down to your judgement of character to make your decisions if you plan on telling them. At the end of the day you're probably better off, and safer, just looking for someone who you know is attracted to the same-sex and is openly gay or bi. It's not a good idea to risk a relationship (or even choose to end one because you feel ashamed) just because you're attracted to that friend. Remember that just the same way as there are masculine and feminine traits in the gay community, there are masculine and feminine traits in the straight community too so don't jump to conclusions.

My advice is "it's up to you to make the decisions based on your friendship". I can't give you any real advice, only suggestions and possible outcomes, but even then, I might not have covered them all and straight crushes happen often to everyone who isn't straight. Unless your friend has explicitly shown interest or curiosity in the same sex then I don't think it's always a good idea to mention anything about a crush.

If you've had a straight friend crush, or if you have anything to add to this article, share your experiences in the comments below.