"He's a Man Now": Life Lessons from a Home Video

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Having worked with young children for many years, I am always in awe of their inherent openness and lack of prejudice. They simply accept things as you say them, and no further explanation is needed. Earlier tonight, I was watching one of my home videos. I was very lucky to grow up with a grandpa who constantly recorded everything. He was our family photographer and videographer, and thanks to him, my entire childhood through about age 8 is chronicled in detail. There are many cute moments, touching moments, and crazy moments, but on the particular video I watched tonight, there is one moment that stands out to me and gives me pause every time I watch it.


In this particular video segment, I was a little less than two years old. My dad, grandma, and I were looking at the TV listings in the newspaper, and there was an article about the actor Dustin Hoffman that included a picture of him. I was in a silly mood, pointing at various things and asking my grandma, “what’s that?” Eventually, I pointed at the picture of Dustin Hoffman and said, “what’s that?” My grandma repeated back to me, “what is that?” I looked at the picture and replied, “it’s a man.” My grandma asked, “what’s his name?” and a conversation ensued in which I read the letters in his name and decided that he was a Daddy because I saw a “D for Daddy,” and my grandma informed me that in fact, his name was Dustin Hoffman. Then she jokingly said, “now what is THAT? What’s a Dustin Hoffman?” to which I replied, “a man.” At this point, my dad, trying to be funny, jumped into the conversation and said, “sometimes. Sometimes he plays a woman.” (To put this in context, this was in the fall of 1985, just a few years after the movie Tootsie came out. In Tootsie, Dustin Hoffman’s character poses as a woman for a good chunk of the film.) My grandma obviously thought this would confuse me, as her immediate response was, “oh, come on now.” But little not-quite-two-year-old me was completely unfazed. I simply looked at the picture again and said, “he’s a man now.” And that was the end of the conversation.

Every time I watch this video, it sticks with me for a while. It never fails to amaze me that at one time, it was that simple. It didn’t seem unusual to me at all that a person could be a man sometimes and a woman sometimes. It didn’t confuse me that the person who obviously was a man in this picture could be a woman at another time. He was a man at this time, and that was that. Gender identity wasn’t an issue that was talked about much in those days. There were “drag queens”, and that was pretty much the only recognized alternative to cisgender males or females. But in today’s world, where gender identity is a hot topic, the lesson to be learned from this video rings clear. At one point, we were all at an age where it really was that simple. People simply were what they were in that moment, and if they were something different at another time, it didn’t matter now. Imagine if adults were able to maintain that mindset. Transgender issues wouldn’t be issues, because people would simply be whatever gender they currently identified and presented themselves as, and whether that was the same as their biological sex at birth or not wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t seem strange or different or weird for a person to be attracted (or even married) to a person of the same sex, the opposite sex, a different race, religion, nationality, age, etc. Nobody is born with an inherent bias against any of these circumstances. Bias and prejudice are learned from the adults and role models in our lives.

So how do we change the world? It starts with the young children. If we want future generations to live in a world where these biases and prejudices don’t exist, we have to reinforce their natural open-mindedness rather than teach them otherwise. We have to be models of acceptance and love so that they will learn from us that these are important qualities to have. We have to teach them that all people are human beings who deserve to be loved and respected for who they are, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, physical appearance, religion, or nationality. If we can encourage and instill these values in today’s children, then when they become adults and are in charge of our world, they will continue to make decisions and live according to those values, and teach their generation’s children to do the same. And over time, it will become the majority rather than the minority who live their lives this way.

So the next time you interact with a young child, take notice of what they say and do, and how they react to different people they see or meet. Answer their honest questions with equal honesty, and state things matter-of-factly. They will accept whatever you say, so really think about the message you are sending them. And hopefully, let their unspoiled acceptance rub off on you, too.