The Coming Out Plateau: Awkward Holiday Interactions

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Over the past few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time with my family and friends. I’ve seen a lot of people that I see on a regular basis, as well as some who I very rarely get the chance to see. In general, I tend to be pretty introverted, and I much prefer spending time with people one-on-one over being in larger groups. However, during the holiday season, most of my interactions are on a larger group scale. This year, that brought up a whole new set of issues and awkwardness, as I ended up in groups where some of the people knew about my asexuality and some did not. It seems that I’ve reached a sort of plateau in my coming out process that makes the holidays a little more difficult to navigate.

At my last count, I had come out to 17 people. This includes just one person in my family (my sister) and just two people in my husband’s family (his mom and aunt). The other 14 people are various friends. I had originally planned on coming out to my mom when we visited my parents for Thanksgiving. That ended up not happening, for a variety of reasons. I thought about doing it when my parents came here for New Years, but I chickened out again. I don’t really know why, at this point. I’m sort of torn between wanting everyone to just know (mostly so that I can post things about it on facebook without having to worry about some family member getting offended that they found out something like that via such an impersonal source), and still worrying about how certain people (specifically my mom and most of her family) will react. It’s complicated, as any coming out journey would be. The weird part is, I recently came out to a group of complete strangers, on a message board that a friend had invited me to join a few weeks earlier. They were all very accepting and supportive, but I still felt really awkward when I met some of them in person for the first time just a few days later. I guess it’s not so strange that it’s easier to come out to a group of people I’ve never met than to my own family. Since I don’t really know them, it doesn’t bother me as much if they react negatively as it would if my family were to have some crazy reaction.

Anyway, getting back to my main point – the holidays and this new awkwardness. My husband and my mom joined forces to plan a nice belated birthday brunch for me while my parents were in town for New Years. It turned out to be a good size group, and several friends I hadn’t seen in a long time were able to come, which was great! But there I found myself, sitting around a table where about ¾ of the people knew I was asexual, and the other ¼ didn’t (including my parents). Even though I know that my friends are aware that my parents don’t know, and I trust them not to say anything, you never know what might slip out in casual conversation. I spent a good chunk of the meal keeping my ears open to all sides of the table, making sure the conversation didn’t venture into potentially dangerous territory. It never did, but just the possibility of it made me nervous.

Then, just this weekend, it happened again. This time, my husband and I went out to lunch with a bunch of his local family (aunts, uncles, and cousins) to celebrate a couple of January birthdays. Exactly two people at the table knew about my asexuality: my husband and his aunt. As family conversations tend to venture into personal territory – relationships, babies, etc. – I was concerned that one side or the other might say something provocative. That either one of the relatives who doesn’t know would start asking about when the babies are coming, or that one who did know would either let something slip out OR respond “on my behalf” to a comment about babies or even relationships. Luckily, neither of those things happened, but again, it was an odd situation to find myself in, where there was even the possibility of that sort of craziness.

So here is my current dilemma: at this point, everyone who I really feel “NEEDS” to know about my asexuality knows, with the exception of my mom. We are seeing my parents again towards the end of this month, and I’m planning to come out to her then (I’d rather do it in person than over the phone). So after that, everyone that *I* care about knowing will know. But after that, there’s still a gap I need to cross before I can just start posting stuff on facebook about it (including links to this blog!). My grandma and aunts in particular would be SO offended if they were to find out something like that via facebook. But I don’t feel like I need or want to tell them all, especially since the way my family works, the minute I tell one of them, everyone in the extended family will immediately know. So I’m stuck on this plateau between two levels of “out-ness”, between the people I care about knowing and it being public knowledge. I guess until I’m ready to scale that next mountain, I’m doomed to large, mixed gatherings being awkward. Such is the nature of the journey of coming out.