Dating an Older Guy

Beneath the mask, he really was more beautiful.  (s)

I went to a club Halloween weekend. Heading out, it did not occur to me that that weekend was the one before Halloween, so I went, dressed in normal clothes. While taking a break from the throbbing mass of man flesh, I met another guy, dressed like me—collared shirt, slacks, belt. He had a sexy mask on. The first thing I said to him was: "I bet you look better without the mask." Not the most clever pickup line, but it started a conversation. I asked him his name, and he said “K.” "K," because his real name is too difficult to pronounce. He looked like he was 24, but it turned out he was 30. 30! He’s a professor of Math at a University 20 minutes away from my school. 

We danced, and we got real close. Everyone thought we were going to hook up, but I’m not really comfortable with that on the first night, so we didn’t do that. He was really nice, and offered to drive me home. I felt that this was sketchy, but he seemed like a really nice guy, so I went along with him in the car. When he turned the car on, some string piece came on. Hearing orchestral harmony after four hours in a club, I was in auditory heaven. He played his favorite song, Winter, and felt like I was in a good place. I had never accepted a ride from a stranger, and I had never seriously thought I might date a guy nine years older, but that night felt good, so I asked him: “Would you like to get coffee sometime?” “sure” he said.

It's not just Pad Thai (s)

We talked over the phone that weekend, and went out for lunch (five steps above coffee!). Over the coming weeks, I would offer to pay for gas, for meals and ice cream, but he would keep insisting on paying. It was nice at first to have everything paid for, but I started to feel insecure that I was the “inferior” in the relationship, so I have been insisting on paying for more. This has been good, but another idea that’s been bugging me is that we might not be relatable to each other. We talk, and he listens to how I was studying organic chemistry, or I was working on a program for software design, and he’s a good listener. But when he talks about what he did that day, he talks about how he graded student work, he has a test coming up that he has to write, or he’s preparing for an academic conference. Not only is our age gap big, but also where we are in life.

So my questions I ask myself are: why stay with him if he’s so much older? Why stay in this relationship, if you feel that there’s an imbalance of power? Are you desperate for companionship? I enjoy the feeling of his hand? But is it his hand, or just a hand? And this is a tricky question for gay people. Sometimes we feel that there are so few options, and when there’s mutual attraction and interest, then we expect it to work out perfectly, but there’s more than that. There’s a personal dynamic of understanding and love. I have only known him for a few weeks, so I have yet to see what will develop, but amidst doubt surrounding our age difference, I doubt a real relationship can develop.

Cooking together allows one insights into the temperaments of people. (s)

Beyond the difference in age, I felt there was a personality difference. I only have a month left in Boston before heading home, then to Japan in the spring, so I decided to break it off. I don’t know where it was going, but in my time before leaving, I thought it would be best to finish strong in school and stay in contact with this guy. He’s really nice. He drove me to a health clinic, we got tested together, we took a trip to the beach, and we’re planning to make cookies on Monday. He’s a really caring guy, but I’m not sure now’s the time for a relationship with him. And that’s something I’m starting to realize. One does not need to be in “relationships.” Sometimes, friendship is what you get the most pleasure and fulfillment from.

I don’t want to encourage everyone to seek out older guys, because older guys can be a bit predatory, but basically, I wanted to just write about what’s been going on in my life lately and ask the readers what they think about relationships with older people?