I just want to assure you that not all women are subs and not all
men are Doms, as is the cliché. Modern feminists struggle with the idea that a
woman can be sexually submissive and still lead an independent life. Several
clubs in a local city have been closed down by an ardent feminist group
lobbying the local council. Despite this thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, the
BDSM scene has never been so mainstream. While still technically illegal in the
UK, most local authorities overlook organised events and kindly stay out of
people’s bedrooms; but actual body harm is still an offence.
BDSM is open to all genders and sexualities, and very rarely (at
least in public) actually involves sex. While a group of people socialising
because of their own different kinks can be seen as rather odd, the scene is
surprisingly very open and welcoming. Vanilla (plain clothes) meetings called
‘Munches’ are held in most areas and are a great way to meet people into the
scene. Also most large cities will have Fetish nights, if not BDSM nights. The
difference being at Fetish nights there is generally no play area. Private
house parties also do happen.
Roles and
Labels
Roles and there are a lot of them to choose from, my advice to a
newbie is the best thing to start with is Unsure, or Kinkster, these are
general terms that describe someone is still exploring or someone who just
likes to do a bit of everything. Dom(me)/Master, sub/slave, Top/bottom, Switch
and the many others all have different meaning to each person. Each label has a
lot of connotations and expectations.
It would seem appropriate to put a BDSM Lexicon in here, but that
is a job no mortal man should take on. As it would be a full time job just
gathering all the different meanings and definitions. So for this information
Google is your friend do some research see what different people say about
roles and other aspects, then decide what you want and what you like. As people
will take you as your label, at first, and all the connotations that go with it
so make sure it's you and nothing pretentious.
Vanilla is another word you will hear an awful lot, this is a term
generally used to describe anyone who isn't into anything kinky, or in some
case to describe sexual intercourse. When something is vanilla it is ‘normal’
what you would expect from the rest of society. In terms if Vanilla Dress this
means the stuff you would wear normally to go shopping, visit your parents or
go to anything that is non scene related wearing.
But What's it
all About
There are many definitions of what the scene is about some are
very complex and dry others technical. But in essence the scene is about
people, and how we interact together. People skills are important, anyone can
learn to use a whip, or flogger but being a decent human being, and
understanding how people work both physically and mentally is a different skill
set. It can be learned but it's a hard if it doesn't come naturally.
We are always told humans are social animals, and that interaction
between us is important to our wellbeing. The same goes for this scene if not
doubly so, as your dealing with deep emotional and extremes of mental states,
these can have a lasting negative impact on a person's mental health if used
wrongly or in a manipulative way. If used the right way they can bring about a
feeling of extreme euphoria and pleasure, or a positive behavioural change. So
knowing how to interact with someone in the right way to bring about that
euphoria is vital, as using a flogger while someone is in the right mental
state is vastly superior than using it at with no previous interaction.
Safe, Sane
and Consensual (SSC)
SSC is relevant to good chunk of the scene; the breakdown below is
the basic guidelines of the scene. Some people will debate this, and that
debate is a good thing as it helps make things better for everyone if we find
better and safer ways to enjoy our mutual pleasures.
The term ‘Informed Consent’ will be used a lot, the meaning of
this term is that the person, usually the sub/slave, gives consent with a clear
appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future
consequences of an action. Without this all you have is abuse.
Safe means that the activity is safe enough for all of the
participants; risk has been minimized at least to the point where the benefit
outweighs the risk. It does not mean that it meets some third party's standard
of safety, but must have no negative long term physical or psychological
effects
Sane generally means that the person is capable of giving informed
consent. It is also expected that the activity does not pose a substantial risk
to a participant's sanity.
Consensual means that all participants have consented to the
activity. The consent may be explicit or implicit and there may be blanket
consent offered for a range of activities. If you don't understand what will be
done during play always ask questions about the effects an implications, it's
probably good practice to do this even if you know then at least you know you
can be sure in the knowledge the people you play with know what they are doing.
I’ll leave it there for now, but will write about other aspects of
the BDSM scene in the future. Next week I’ll write about being bisexual and
what that means to me.
Follow @FRW
