Back to school

Many LGBT students dread going back to school.

Thursday was our university's freshman party, and it just made me think a lot about how much I have changed since I was in high school. I seem far more enthusiastic to just go up and approach people, make friends, talk to others, be myself. I feel a lot more confident, determined, my goals seem a lot clearer. I know I've changed a lot, but I just can't pin down what happened. Have I simply matured so much since high school? Are the people really so different here? A little bit of both, maybe? I finished high school in 2010, so, obviously, I took a little break from public education, but can a person really grow up and change so much in a just a couple of years? Anyways, this Monday I'd like to think about this (surprisingly) pleasant week I had in university, and how it made me think about all the bad experiences I had with public education. I'd like to reflect on the good choices I think I made that helped me get here, and the things that stopped me from achieving my goals.



I can't say I ever looked forward to school, even though I liked studying. The fact that I changed schools four times really speaks for itself. Public education never really worked for me, because a lot of things would depend on whether your classmates like you. And I can't say I was ever good at being liked. People would always find something wrong with me - my glasses (that I don't need anymore), my weight (that I lost in 9th-10th grade), my clothes, my age, or just the fact that I'm the good kid nerd that gets good grades and doesn't get in trouble. So, it was difficult to concentrate on studies and progress when atmosphere in school was so bad. It got especially bad in my teens, and my grades reflected that. It's a shame, really, because now all of those people are long gone, but my exam scores could have been twice, thrice, six times higher... In fact, if there's one thing that I regret, it's letting other people getting in the way of my progress, because it feels like they took away the opportunities and the time that you will never get back. That's something permanent.

After school, I applied to university, but I wasn't satisfied with the program. It seemed just like school again - I didn't have anyone to talk to, the lectures were dry and boring. At times the pace was too fast and there wasn't enough clarity. Also, at the time I was taking a theater class, and going there after the boring lectures seemed like a breath of fresh air. After a few months I decided that it's not for me. I took the plunge and dropped out. Signed up for several arts classes, decided to do a little soul-searching, spend some time on activities that I really enjoy, maybe apply for something arts-related next year. I think taking a break was one of the best decisions I made, and I would encourage everyone to do this. It will make everything so much clearer, and you will have a little time to decide and mature. Either way, I was 17 at the time, so I didn't feel like I was in a hurry. Even if I applied in two years, I would still study with people that are about my age.

After dropping out I slowly regained my confidence - I learned that I have a thing for drawing, and I also acted in a few plays. I met a great teacher, and got up the courage to study music on a professional level. I especially liked the fact that I could get private lessons, because I would usually make the most progress by working individually with a teacher. Of course, some of you may think that dropping out is foolish in the first place and that a program may grow on you and you'll start to enjoy it - it's just a matter of studying hard. However, I believe you can't be good at something you don't enjoy from the start. If you don't have enthusiasm and drive from the beginning, you won't flourish or be extremely successful. And a hidden talent that you may possess might die away, because you settled for something less.

Good partners/teachers lift you up towards your goals!

2011 was a very intense year overall - I came out to my parents, started volunteering in a human rights organization, prepared for my auditions, had a tough breakup... Well, what can I say. When you decide to turn your life around, pursue a huge goal, break a habit, or generally make anything big happen, in the beginning you get a huge mess. However, going through all those things and confronting your fears makes you a stronger, more experienced person - there were times that I would have to step out of my comfort zone for a week or a month. Messing up and failing becomes a fact of life, and you start to develop a "so what" attitude about it. It helps you realize that it's necessary if you want to improve. So even though stress would sometimes get to my head and I would start doubting myself, start thinking about running away to a deserted island, it was all worth it. In fact, the bigger the goal, the more you have to struggle, it's understandable.

Coming out, making new friends and finding possibilities to transition (expensive+abroad, but possible) definitely helped my well-being, too. So this year is the complete opposite - I started to see more and more hope, and became more enthusiastic. And, finally, getting into the music program that I wanted so much was the ultimate confidence boost.  I also really liked the university, the events seemed interesting, there were possibilities to go abroad for exchange programs and great possibilities for scholarships... Overall, I finally felt like I made the right choice. Even though there were a lot of new experiences (moving out, new friends, etc.), things seemed to be going a lot smoother this time. I was no longer a kid that went to university straight from school, but I actually knew what I was doing most of the time. Meeting new classmates no longer seemed terrifying, making phone calls and arrangements wasn't stressful, and participating in an event or discussion became fun instead of anxiety-inducing.

I doubt that the people at my current university are that much different. Since it's the 2nd most popular university and my country's small, it most likely attracts the general crowd of students. So I believe the main thing that helped me was taking time from school to concentrate on the things that I didn't get in school - stepping out of my comfort zone, accepting myself, making goals and deciding what I want. We get so much theory, but we don't have a "life class" - how to stop beating yourself up, how to make a difficult choice, how to get over someone... Experiencing the situations that were once scary to me helped me gain confidence, I confronted my fears. Of course, not everything depends entirely on you, but these things can really make a huge difference. For example, I noticed that I no longer get picked on, which is probably because malicious people and/or bullies tend to pick more vulnerable victims. Also, knowing my goals helps me concentrate on what I want.

So, how was your back-to-school week so far? Are you waiting for school to be over already? Slow down - there might be something you can do about it.

If you're dreading going back to school because of bullying, or suffer abuse at home or at school, please check out our page of international support hotlines for LGBT and straight people by clicking here. You are not alone.