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I always thought coming out of the closet was jumping out, jazz hands and saying “I AM GAY!!!!!!” and wear sparkling clothing and the whole shebang. I mean the media portrays it like that, doesn't it? Sparkles everywhere, rainbows, the works. I am either doing this completely wrong..or it just doesn't work that way.
As of now, I identify as asexual, but my romantic orientation is still up in the air. I'll probably blog about that later. But as of now: asexual, genderqueer. I always find asexuality to be awkward to talk about, because sex becomes involved. So to avoid that, if anyone asks, I say, “I'm queer.” And that works. I'm sure people think queer means gay, which it can so they might be thinking the wrong thing, but it avoids less conflict. And less conflict is good.
But then we get to the whole genderqueer thing. And that's what people have a hard time understanding. And that's why I like being safe in the closet, less explaining, less assuming, less..everything.
I've never been “girly” and everyone was fine with that, but when I asked my family to call me Kal, my father was fine with it, my mother wasn't. She assumed it was her fault, that I hate my birth name, that she was doing something wrong with me. Which wasn't the case at all. And I tried to explain it all and it was a big mess with lots of tears and drama and getting sick and it was not fun. So like the brave snail that I am, I hid in my shell.
Once that blew over and my mother started to accept me as Kal, things were fine. I changed my facebook name to Kal, instead of Kate. Of course that raised some questions. And when I was going out for a small writing club reunion with some high school friends and a former teacher, the question was brought up- when I graduated, I was Kate. And now I'm Kal. What gives? And I was scared. I was sliding back to my shell, but I quietly explained in the simplest of all ways. I simply do not identify as male or female and I find the name Kal suits me because it can be short for Kalvin or Kali or none of the above. I received a few nods and a few questions, as expected and then it went quiet. It was going to be an awkward evening for sure. And then another friend arrived to the dinner table and all the attention was turned to her. As the time progressed, I was being called, “Kate, oh! Wait sorry, Kal,” by my friends. And a new name is hard to get used to, I understand. But the fact that they still accepted me as their friend was amazing. We were able to pick things up where we left them off. And I took a very small step out of the closet.
So let's fast forward to today: I went out shopping with my mother and grandmother. And we happened to run into my mother's friend. It was one of those awkward “Oh, I haven't seen you since you were a toddler!” conversations. Really, what do you say to that? But my mother introduced me..as Kal. “This is my daughter, Kal.” And my mother's friend didn't question it, or pause, she just went with a, “Nice to meet you, Kal.” Another small step out of the closet.
Later that day, I went to Chapters. When I was going to the library earlier this week, I came across a book called, “My Gender Workbook”. I recommend it to everyone, but since it was a library book, I can't write in it. So I wanted my own copy. But the Chapters in my area didn't have the book in stock, I had to order it. So a worker, around my age, maybe a bit older was placing my order and she needed my contact information. So first name, I said Kal. Then there was a pause. People have given me confused looks, but once they understand that yes, I said Kal, they let it go and apologise for being awkward. So, as expected, there was a pause. But it was the best thing ever- maybe she was given a hint by the book I was ordering, but her only objection or problem she had with it was, “Is it spelled with a C or a K?” And I took another step out of the closet.
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