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1. Know what you want to say and how you’re going to say it.
It’ll be easier to express yourself and tell people what you want to if you’ve thought about it before hand. In a high pressure situation, fraught with nerves and emotion, having a plan can make all the difference. You’ll want to get the words out as quickly and succinctly as possible, and some preparation can help to override the nerves
2. Educate yourself, so you can explain things if you need to.
Everyone knows what you mean if you say you’re lesbian or gay, but imagine trying to tell your best friend or parents that you’re a panromantic asexual. I can remember the first time I tried to explain the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality to my parents. I failed miserably. Knowing definitions and distinctions can make everything easier for everyone to understand.
3. It’s okay to be scared…
This is an uncertain time; one of confusion and nervousness. There are new discoveries being made, and it’s easy to feel lonely and isolated by this new secret piece of information. The fear only increases as you work up to telling someone that is important to you, and that is okay and it’s normal. You’re not the only person to have ever felt like this, and you won’t be the last. Someday you’ll get through the fear and things will be okay, but for now it’s a legitimate thing to feel.
4. …And it’s okay to be confused and uncertain.
These feelings might be new and they might be weird, but that’s also alright. You don’t need to know absolutely everything and be completely certain of everything in order to talk to people about and explore your sexuality. What you say now doesn’t have to define you forever, and that is something I’m still trying to learn. Knowing all the answers is never a pre-requisite to coming out.
5. Coming out doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic event.
It can feel like that, when you’re anticipating it and worrying about it, but it doesn’t have to be something to get worked up over. In fact, the more relaxed you are, the better it’s likely to go. You don’t have to sit people down and have a specific conversation to come out to them. It may sound obvious, but there are so many ways to come out: by slipping it into a conversation, mentioning your boyfriend or girlfriend, etc. Find a way that makes you comfortable.
6. Try not to pre-empt anyone’s reaction. People can and will surprise you.
When thinking about coming out someone, the most worrying thing will be the fear of rejection. It’s this worry that will lead to the anticipation and fear I mentioned above, but on many occasions this fear will prove to be unfounded. Don’t panic too much about how someone will react, because that’s out of your control. People you thought would be unsupportive might surprise you. Remember that attitudes around the world are changing. And even if a close friend or family member does turn their back on you, there are other people out there who won’t. This is a moment where you find out who your true friends are.
7. Talk to the people you trust most of all first.
Not only will these be the most nerve wracking conversations, because you want a good reaction, but these will be the conversations that provide you with a core support group. Coming out to a really close friend will give you someone to talk to and lean on during this time of uncertainty and new experiences.
8. You don’t owe it to anyone to come out to them.
This is an incredibly personal piece of information, and you don’t have to share it with anyone you don’t want to. You don’t even have to come out to anyone at all, if you don’t want to, and being closeted isn’t at all cowardly. You can come out as early or as late as you want to, and you can come out to whoever you want to, just as long as you are safe and comfortable.
9. Coming out is a tough hurdle to overcome…
…But once you’ve done it, the sense of relief will be overwhelming. For me, coming out to my parents was like having an immense weight lifted from my shoulders. Whether things go well or badly, someone else will know the things going on in your head, and the courage taken to share that will have been extraordinary. If things do go badly there are places to go for help, and if they go well, then you have someone you can trust who knows your secret, and that will be a useful asset.
10. You’ll be coming out to people for the rest of your life, and sometimes it will still be hard.
Coming out isn’t just a onetime thing. Every time you meet someone new it is likely you’ll end up coming out to them, whether they’re new work colleagues, new acquaintances at school or college or university, groups of friends you meet while pursuing hobbies, the list is endless. Sometimes it will be difficult to tell these people about your sexuality, but that’s okay. Each time you come out to someone will be new and different, and no matter how many times you’ve done it before, it’s okay for it to still be nerve wracking, and I wish you good luck.
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