I used to be very uncomfortable with
myself. I used to be ashamed that I was gay. I would avoid
conversations surrounding my personal life, and I assumed the
identity of someone who was a good student that did community
service—the kind of person that people “know,” but don't
actually know, the “model kid.” I didn't feel connected to
people, and I felt unfulfilled. It was really unfortunate that that
happened, but I found that coming out changed that.
It started with the simple fact that by
coming out to a friend, I was sharing something really big with that
friend, and that meant a lot to both of us. From there, the friends
that I came out to were the friends that I sought out during my free
time between classes to sit and chat with. The friends that I came
out to were the ones that I could tell about the boys—oh, the boys!
It might sound like a small thing, but simply being able to tell
someone who I was interested was really valuable. The people we like
are a reflection on our values. I value most in others what I value
in myself, so sharing the guys I liked with my friends was sharing my
values.
I:“I like him.”
Friend“oh yeah, he's super cute, and
really smart!”
Values! (He was also into singing and
preserving native wildlife)
But honestly, coming out is about more
than guys or girls. It is about becoming comfortable with yourself.
If you grew up as I did, you probably were surrounded by suggestions
that being gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans or asexual somehow made you
less of a person. I remember feeling that I was less of a “man”
because I liked other guys. I felt I had to compensate in school,
athletics and art, because I was flawed in my gayness. I understood
that gay people were weak, frivolous and unimportant. I had to prove
them wrong.
Coming out to a friend, and simply
hearing the words, “wow, thank you for telling me” or “I
support you, Colby,” or “this changes nothing, I still love
you.”--This means A LOT. It was validation that this part of me
that I felt was a major flaw—a major shortcoming of mine—was not
a problem completely changed the way I felt about myself. All of a
sudden, I didn't have this huge weight that I lived with, this
secret, this feeling that I was WRONG, but no one knew. The homphobia
I internalized stayed with me, and probably still is, but coming out
was a first big step. To think that I was okay and I have the people
I cared about behind me has helped me come out to more and more and
more people. Thanks to them, I have become who I am.
If you are considering coming out, look
at your situation carefully. See if you are financially dependent on
your parents, and whether or not coming out to them could mean being
disowned. Unfortunately, it happens. I recommend first coming out to
a close friend, or whoever you feel most comfortable with. Always
seek out positive people, and be ready to cut ties with friends who
are hurtful. If they reject you, they aren't real friends. You'll
find better ones. Coming out can be scary and difficult, but it can
be done, and it can go well. Stay strong.
If you want to talk to me more, feel
free to message me.
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