The Netherlands is a very good place for LGBT people. Gay marriage has been legalised since 2001 and you won’t find many homophobes here. My school is a good example. Many gay people walk around at my school. They are rarely bothered and have just as many friends as the straight people. My schoolmates don’t frown at homosexuality, it’s a very normal thing after all isn’t it?
This little story is about my “coming out” experience as a bisexual male. There are so many coming out stories about people that experience hate, because of religious families and things like that. I thought it would be interesting to take a different turn, as my experience was mostly positive. I am going to analyse the different reactions that I got, and I am going to look at how it effected both my life and the lives of my friends.
I’m going to take you back to 2010, I was 16. My friends were cool about homosexuality most of the time. They didn’t have any problems with gay people and they respected them. Even though they really respected gay people, they did say that they didn’t really want to befriend any gay people, because they “feel uncomfortable around them”. I couldn’t really blame them for saying that, because at that time, the only gay person they knew, was a very feminine boy from our class. He had pink hair and mostly wore feminine clothes. This was a very new and unsettling sight for my friends. The fact that they didn’t know any other gays at that time, might have made them a little scared of homosexuality. Even though they respected gays, and would never hurt them, they didn’t like the idea of being around them. Though to the credit of my friends, they did mention that, should one of us turn out to be gay, we would always stay friends.
At this time, only one person knew that I was bisexual, that one person was me. I assumed that my friends probably wouldn’t have any problems with it, but I still didn’t feel like telling them. I had been struggling with my sexuality since I was thirteen. I had talked about my struggles with my best friend a lot of times, so I knew that he wouldn’t be surprised at all. This friend was also the first friend I made since entering high school, I’ll call him by the name “Prime” for convenience. I thought it was about right to tell him first. He didn’t care and he wasn’t surprised, he had expected it since I first told him about my struggles. That was the reaction I expected from him and I was happy with it. Nothing really changed between us after I told him. I knew he didn’t quite understand me but that he didn’t really want to understand me, the less he was confronted with homosexuality, the better. He was fine with it as long as I didn’t get a crush on him.
After I told Prime, I wanted to wait before telling more people, that was the way I felt most comfortable. It was a couple of months later that I felt the need to tell someone else. I had a girlfriend at the time (who I’ll call Kathy for convenience), and it didn’t seem right to me to keep a secret from her. I was super nervous and I barely managed to tell her that “I had a secret”. She asked me what it was, but I was too scared to tell her, “I will tell you later” was what I kept telling her. Kathy was always with her best friend, who I’ll call “Kitty” for convenience. Kitty also knew that I had a secret, so they bugged me daily asking me what it was. One night, Kathy and Kitty had a sleepover and they called me, once again, asking me what my secret was. I told them that they could guess. After guessing for a couple of hours, they finally asked me “Mees, are you bi?”. My heart stopped for a second and then I said yes. It was quiet for a while. “Will she break up with me? Will she think I am lying? Will she still like me?” were the thoughts that went trough my head. Then Kathy broke the silence by jokingly asking me “Do you think Edward Cullen is hot?”. I laughed with relieve.
Kathy said she didn’t care at all. Kitty was shocked for a second, but soon after told me that she was fine with it too. After that night, Kathy started acting a little weird. She said she didn’t mind my sexuality at all, but I knew there was something about it that bugged her. We broke up soon after, and even though the breakup didn’t directly have anything to do with it, I can’t help but feel like it indirectly had something to do with my sexuality. It wasn’t like Kathy had problems with it, it was more the fact that she acted a little strange about it. I don’t blame her though, I can only imagine what it would feel like to suddenly hear that your boyfriend is bi.
After my second coming out, I thought I could handle a third. I had a sleepover coming up with another good friend. This friend was a real goofball and that’s what I will call him from now on. I decided that I would tell him too. This time was a bit different. I had talked about homosexuality with him before and he didn’t always seem so positive about it. He would say things like “It isn’t natural”. The first two times I came out, I knew in advance that the reaction would most likely be positive. Prime, Kathy and Kitty were very sober about subjects like this, but this time, I wasn’t so sure. Again I was too scared to just tell him, so he started guessing. Very early on, he asked “Are you gay?”, I said “No, but you’re close”. Then he asked “Oh, so you’re bi?”. When I said “yes…”, all he said back was “Okay!”. I was pleasantly surprised, he was very cool about it. He told me that, had I told him one or two years earlier, he wouldn’t have reacted so positively. Nothing really changed between me and him, as long as I didn’t get a crush on him it would be fine.
The next time I came out was by accident. I was at a sleepover party with a group of friends. Prime, Kathy, Kitty and Goofball were all there, but there was also another friend who I’ll call “Tractor” for convenience. Tractor was the only person at that party that was unaware of my sexuality. He was the first one to fall asleep, so now that it was safe, we started talking about my secret. After talking for about an hour he suddenly got up and he said: “You know, I wasn’t sleeping, I overheard everything, I know you are bi”. I felt stupid. Before I could respond, he said “Don’t worry, I don’t mind at all”. I was happy about it.
A while later I was hanging out with a friend that I will call “Squeaky” for convenience. I jokingly asked him if he was gay. I don’t remember the context but I do remember that I didn’t mean anything by it, it was just a joke. Unfortunately, Squeaky thought I was serious and automatically assumed that I had to be gay. He wouldn’t accept no for an answer. I figured that it would be best to tell him, because if I didn’t, he would probably tell other people, and that wasn’t what I wanted to happen. I told him “I am actually not gay, but bi.”. He was fine with it, and then, he proceeded to ask me the usual questions. I’ll tell more about those questions later.
Let me clarify something, at this point, all the people I regularly hung out with (I also had many other friends but I these are the people I hung out with most), now knew about my secret, except for two other friends. I will call the two remaining friends “Chris” and “Duck”. Chris is a very funny guy, he had this returning joke towards me where he pretended to be a creepy gay guy. I thought it was funny, it was even funnier because he didn’t know I was bi. Chris is a Christian by the way, the only Christian friend I have, my other friends are either atheists or don’t really care. Duck is a very different person, all his humor consists of making fun of other people. He was always making jokes about me being gay and he was always punching me, I always punched him back and in return made jokes about his nose being bigger than his head. No hard feelings, just a little fighting and insulting without really meaning it.
Anyway, another sleepover party was coming up and all my friends were going to be there including Chris and Duck. I figured I would tell them. I subtly brought up the subject. Goofball immediately understood what I was trying to do so he helped me out by asking Chris: “What would you do if one of us was gay?”, Chris responded with: “I don’t know, as long as they don’t suddenly start acting like it, I will be fine with it.”. Goofball asked Duck the same thing, I don’t remember his response but it was probably somewhere along the lines of: “You are all gay anyway!”, I didn’t think too much about Duck’s response because you shouldn’t take people like these too seriously. Goofball then said: “I think someone might have something important to tell you.”. This was my cue, I said: “Guys, with all seriousness, I am really bi.”. Chris laughed. “Did I give you a difficult time with my gay jokes?” was his response. He was cool with it. Duck on the other hand didn’t believe me. That was the last response I expected from him, I thought he would either make a big deal out of it, or be totally fine with it. After convincing him that I was really telling the truth, he told me that he didn’t really care.
One notable thing, is the way Duck started acting towards me after learning my secret. He said nothing changed, but I noticed some subtle differences. He stopped punching me. I was amazed by this, why did he stop punching me? Did he think that, because I like boys, I am suddenly more sensitive? That is something that annoys me, because literally nothing changed about me. I am still the same person. I also liked boys before Duck knew about that, and I am just as sensitive now, as I was before. When Duck and I have a altercation now, all his arguments are “You are just a faggot” “You are just gay”. I know he doesn’t mean it in a serious tone, and I don’t take it seriously at all, but all I say is that it perfectly reflects his lack of rationality.
After this, I had more experience and it wasn’t as scary anymore to come out. Up to this point, I hadn’t had one single negative reaction. Sure, some people started acting a little different, and Duck’s “douche bag” behavior increased three sizes, but nobody really made a big deal out of it, and all my friendships still stood. I started coming out to more people that I hung out with, but there isn’t much to say about that, the reactions were all very similar to each other.
Another funny thing, is the questions that I get when coming out. Whenever I come out to a boy I get: “Do you find that boy with the pink hair attractive?”, (you know, the one I talked about before) “You won’t get a crush on me will you?”, “Do you look at us in the dressing room?” and “How the hell can you know you are bi, if you have never been in love with a boy before?”. Coming out to girls is different, they don’t ask the questions boys ask, they mostly start asking what guys from class I find most attractive, and if I would rather be with a girl or a boy. I do get the “How the hell can you know you are bi, if you have never been in love with a boy before?” question from both boys and girls.
Whenever I get asked how I can know I am bi without falling in love with a boy, I always respond the same way: “Did you know you were straight before falling in love?”, when they say no, I respond with: “Imagine yourself making out with a member of the opposite sex, how does that make you feel?” they will respond with “Okay”, I’ll respond with “Me too”, then I will say “Now imagine yourself making out with a member of the same sex” when they say “Eww” I respond with “See? It grosses you out. It doesn’t gross me out, it feels pretty okay to me. That’s how I know I am bi, you don’t have to fall in love to see what genders you are sexually attracted to.”
I hear a lot of stories about people who come out as bi, and are being accused of being "gay in denial". I have never experienced this, neither have I ever been discriminated against. I guess I’m pretty lucky.
I think coming out has been very good for me. It helped me develop my personality. After coming out to so many people, I started realising that nobody had any problems with it. I could now decide if I wanted to change my personality. Should I start acting feminine? Should I start talking in a "gay way"? Now that so many people know, it won’t be a problem. After thinking about it, I realised that that wasn’t how I wanted to be at all. I feel comfortable the way I am. I act as straight as my friends, I spend a little more time on my clothes and my hair, but in the end, people would label me as “slightly metro-sexual” rather than gay. I am fine with that, it’s the way I feel most comfortable about myself.
I feel like my coming out has not only helped me, but also my friends. I think I made them realise that not all gays necessarily have to act gay. I also made them aware of the fact that bisexuality actually is a real thing. To many people, homosexuality isn’t strange at all, but bisexuality is fairly rare compared to its homosexual counterpart and thus, is easily dismissed when discussing the subject. When you are talking with a friend about “whether someone is gay or not”, you don’t usually consider the fact that he might be bi. I made my friends aware that it is, in fact, a very real thing.
After recently coming out to basically my whole class, I decided to change my “Interested In” status on Facebook to “Men and Women”. Now, all my Facebook friends can find out for themselves. All that's left is my family. I’m not sure when I am going to tell them. I am sure that they will all be fine with it, that’s not what’s holding me back. I don’t know what is, but I feel more comfortable with them not knowing for now.
As I said before, The Netherlands is a good place for LGBT people to grow up in. Why is The Netherlands so cool about homosexuality? I have no clue. Maybe there are less religious people? But no, that can’t be it, even the religious people that I know are totally cool about homosexuality. Chris is an example of that, but also my own family. I have a Catholic grandma and three Catholic uncles, one of those Catholic uncles is a (secretly) gay pastor, my other uncle is married to a woman and has two kids, but is clearly either metro, gay or bi. The third uncle is straight, but both him and my Catholic grandma are totally fine with homosexuality. All the Muslim teachers that I have ever had, were also fine with homosexuality, so I don’t know what makes the difference. I don’t have a frigging clue why The Netherlands is so cool about homosexuality, but I do know that I am damn happy to be living here!
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